


Little by little

by taj_mahal



Category: Tennis RPF
Genre: Doubt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Gen, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-11 22:02:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15981401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taj_mahal/pseuds/taj_mahal
Summary: Little by little passion turns into appreciation turns into content.Little by little not getting enough of the other turns into making time turns into having more important things to do.Little by little joy turns into fun turns into melancholy.Little by little feeling absolutely sure turns into moments of uncertainty turns into doubt.Little by little a love story turns into normalcy turns into day-to-day grind.And now it seems they are living their lives side by side but not together.





	1. The proposal

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this plot bunny hopped by this morning and refuses to leave me alone.  
> So I let it run away from me.  
> I'm not sure what this is yet.  
> So far I have one chapter written and it might simply stay a one shot.
> 
> The idea - if I turn it into a story - would be for Rafa and Roger to both reevaluate what they have and make a conscious effort to rediscover love, affection and romance even through the trials and tribulations of every day life.  
> Every great relationship needs just a little bit of work from day to day... 
> 
> Just let me know what you think and if the idea is worth persuing... 
> 
> The quote at the beginning is from the movie "Frozen".  
> And this would be the [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tc8QFX4HunM) I had in mind that Meri is playing towards the end of the chapter.  
> Roger doesn't exactly come across as a great guy in this chapter. But have in mind that it's Rafa's POV and that he's in a serious funk. Bear with him :)
> 
> Fair warning - the first chapter is inspired by my ongoing USO funk... It might be a tad depressing... 
> 
> <>°O°<>

_Conceal, don't feel, put on a show.  
Make one wrong move and everyone will know._

   
*New York - 7th September* 

The chance has been there, that is the worst of it all. A real chance for the final, maybe even for the title and trophy. It's ridiculous really, how quickly things can take a turn and what seems safe and sound just moments ago, evaporates into dust and shadows. The lines from the stupid Disney song have been stuck in Rafa's head ever since he has retired from his semi final match, like his mind is mocking him for the choice he had to make. He has made that one wrong move... and he has been forced to give up the fight for all the world to see. Talk about life imitating art...  
   
And he has tried – there is no denying that. God only knows how hard he has tried to hold on and battle through and make this work. But sometimes the hardest decision is the one that is best. Still he has tried so desperately hard, has tried to fight, has tried to ignore the obvious signals his body has been sending him, has tried to ignore the pain. He has done all in his power to make it through, to give it another chance, to not have to give up. But in the end all he has been left to do is to admit defeat – not because of his opponent or because of the conditions - but because his body refuses to go on and even leave him with so much as a tiny fighting chance.  
   
The tape to support the knee and keep pressure and strain off the inflamed tendons hasn’t helped and neither has the massage the physio has given him. It has only added to the pain and the misery and when he goes to explain himself to Juan Martin, he feels like screaming. Their exchange is brief but heartfelt and empathy is shining clearly in the other man’s eyes. It’s not helping Rafa to feel any better. If at all he feels worse. His opponent pities him… as he should. A broken warrior limping of the battlefield – that is what he is.  
   
He hates that there are cameras there. That people see how miserable and devastated he feels. If only he could hold himself with grace and dignity walking away from a fight he had intended to not only battle through but win in the end. But not even that chance is granted to him. His damn knee hurts too fucking much and now – with the adrenaline slowly draining out of him and yet another opportunity squandered and lost – he feels it all the more. He actually limps… and it’s there for all the world to see.  
   
He gets a brief moment to himself, a brief moment of calm right in the eye of the storm. A chance to wash off the sweat, to change into a set of clean clothes and to hopefully gather enough of his composure to face the press and their probing questions… After a brief shower that does nothing to wash the bitter aftertaste of defeat away, he checks his phone. There are a lot of messages of condolences and well wishes but one person’s acknowledgment of what has happened is blatantly missing…  
   
The press conference is a test in endurance and self control and Rafa doesn’t feel like he is doing a very good job at it. All they want to know about is the knee and if he has done something to aggravate it, if he has been having the problem for a while, if he could have avoided getting hurt. Basically they try to blame his failure on his own decision making and Rafa wants to yell at them to leave him and the matter alone. He knows what he is doing and sometimes in life shit hits the fan and there is nothing anyone can do. Sometimes life just sucks. But of course he doesn’t say that. He tells them he’s happy and grateful and that he will accept and endure and keep on working. He tells them the same things he always does. And he is sick and tired of doing it.  
   
The thought comes unwanted but towards the end of it – when they switch from English to Spanish – Rafa can’t help but wonder about Roger. Roger, who had no such trouble with his own press conference. At least not that Rafa is aware of. Roger has lost and then he has gone to prepare for Laver Cup which is the next tournament on his agenda. He has accepted the fact that in tough conditions he hasn’t been able to prevail and then has looked ahead at what is to come. He has dropped out of the tournament and he has done so with grace – even in defeat.  
   
But that is Roger in a nutshell – graceful on court and off it. He feels no need to talk about younger players and opportunities wasted and only so many times left to do something or be at a certain place. Roger goes on and for some reason Rafa keeps looking back. It has been like this for a while now – the reminiscing, the melancholy, the feeling of finality and of inevitability. Tonight it is amplified a hundredfold by the way fate has once again screwed him over. It’s not fate though. It’s his own body betraying him and denying him the chance at a proper fight. He could accept a loss – a loss he would have fought for. This however is giving up and Rafa hates to give up.  
   
Even after the press conference, which he somehow endures and gets through without snapping at too many of the journalists asking their stupid, useless questions, there is still no message on his phone. That is not true though. There is an overabundance of messages on his phone. But none of them come from Roger. Of course Roger isn’t obligated to watch every last one of Rafa’s matches. Neither one of them does that for the other. They simply don’t have the time. But it’s not like it’s the middle of the night or Roger is playing another tournament. He is even on the same continent in the same time zone. He could send a message… But he doesn’t.  
   
It is way past midnight before Rafa returns from a casual and relaxed evening out, having dinner with his family and Meri is there, helping him pack. She doesn’t have to as he is perfectly capable of doing it himself. But a quick phone call to his doctor in Spain and a chat with the physio and tournament doctor have produced the advice that he better not do anything that might aggravate whatever is wrong with his knee. He’s supposed to keep strain and pressure of it if he can. Just to make sure he doesn’t make it worse and to give his body a chance to rest. Once they return home and he has been to see his doctor in Barcelona, he will have a better understanding of what is going on and of how long it’ll take this time. For now all he can do, is sit and rest and let Meri help him.  
   
His phone vibrates in the back pocket of his jeans, indicating a new message. It’s hours and hours after the match and the device has been silent for a while now. As he pulls the phone from the pocket and has a look at the display, he almost chokes on a strangled, hard laugh. The message is from Roger. Now – hours after the fight is over – the older man finally has found the time to get into contact with Rafa. The message itself is just as much of a letdown as the time gap…  
   
“So sorry for the loss. How’s the knee?”  
   
Two sentences. More than six hours after the match and him retiring from it. And Roger doesn’t even get it right. Rafa hasn’t lost the match. He has retired from it. Maybe to Roger the difference is too subtle to bother paying attention to it in his text message. To Rafa it means a world of difference. And Roger should know that. Roger should also know that writing a quick message this long after the match is damn well insulting. Roger should know a lot of things… And he should know he can do better.  
   
Doing better seems to be a theme in their relationship these days. They both can – Rafa would never exclude himself from that – but somehow neither one of them puts in the effort at the moment... or the time. He remembers the last time he has gone to see Roger. It’s less than a week ago. He had knocked on the door to Roger's penthouse suite and had been ready to leave again after waiting for over a minute. He knew Roger was there, he could hear the commotion inside the room. When the Swiss had finally opened the door on him, he had looked stressed and had barely managed a smile before he had explained himself hurriedly.  
   
“Rafa, hi... Now really isn't a good time. We're sort of stressed out right now. Myla has picked up the flu and Lenny has decided that clothing is not a necessity for little boys. I really don’t have the time, okay. Maybe tomorrow?”  
   
Roger had hardly waited for Rafa to respond and tell him it was okay and then the door had been unceremoniously closed in his face. It isn't always like this – of course not. But it is symptomatic for the last couple of months, maybe even the last year. A week ago that promise of tomorrow had turned into the next day and that had turned into yet another day and then Roger had lost his 4th round match. 

Before Rafa knew it, Roger was gone – a text and a short visit the only goodbye – and Rafa had been left behind. Yet another recurring theme in their relationship nowadays. No more finals together, no more achievements, no more glory, but working their way through the draw on opposite ends only for one of them to lose earlier than the other and leave the other one behind... Always one to be left behind...  
   
Rafa is pulled from his bitter thoughts at the soft sound of melody and lyrics. Meri has put on some music – something soft and nice, something low key and easy to listen to, something Spanish… It’s nice and it’s easy to get lost in the melody. He’s sure she has done it on purpose. To soothe him. To support him. To help him calm his mind and stop the negative emotions from spilling over. She knows him. Intimately. And she is there for him – right here, right now. She has been busy cleaning his chaotic mess so that they can leave for home tomorrow evening but right now she stands right in front of him, purse in her hands and a smile on her lips.  
   
“I brought you something. I had almost forgotten I had it. I bought it in Palma at the airport, stuffed it in my purse and completely forgot about it. Here, you can use them. A little bit of food for the soul.”  
   
Meri pulls a bag from her purse and Rafa can't help but smile. She has brought him cookies, a Spanish brand he wouldn’t be able to get anywhere in New York. It almost brings tears to his eyes and he knows it is stupid because they are just cookies. But there is so much more to her gesture, to the simple act of giving a small gift, of showing appreciation and of trying to cheer him up than the cookies themselves. More than Rafa can even put into words. And it gets him thinking again – thinking about Roger.

While Meri is leaving him to have his cookies in peace, she is busy dashing around the room in rhythm with the soft music, picking up his things and depositing them into various bags and pieces of luggage. Rafa tries to remember the last time he and Roger have done something as blissfully normal as cleaning out a hotel room after a tournament. He tries to remember the last time they played some silly board game or listened to music only one of them liked while the other made a face or even watched a movie. But he can't  
   
Back when it had all started with Roger and him, Rafa had known that the way they felt about one another was different. For Rafa it had been like a dream coming true, all his awestruck admiration had turned into something deeper and more substantial. To him the chance at a relationship had meant the world back then. For Roger it had been different, mainly because he already was in a committed relationship – one he had never, not even once, been willing to give up on. Not even for Rafa’s sake.  
   
Not that he would have expected it. Back then Rafa had been happy with what had been granted to him. He had known he would always have to share Roger’s love and affection… and time. He hadn’t minded. He liked Mirka, admired her for the woman she was and the way she handled herself and he had never once even entertained the thought of Roger and Mirka breaking up so that he could have the older man all to himself.  
   
It has always been an unspoken rule. Roger’s life with Mirka and Roger’s life with Rafa are two different entities and they are to be kept separate. At all costs. So when Roger had married Mirka, Rafa hadn’t been invited. When Mirka had given birth to the twin girls and later to the boys, Rafa had not been asked to be godfather. He was not a part of that life and he never would be. He has been okay with that for the longest of times, has been okay with Roger splitting his time and his feelings between them. Right now however he is very much not okay with the way things are. He is brooding and what he comes up with are not happy thoughts.  
   
The stupid cookies get him thinking again. He tries to remember the last time Roger gave a present to him, even a small one. Of course there have been gifts for birthdays but at some point they had stopped doing it, Roger deeming it silly and Rafa agreeing. After all they have more money than they can spent… Why bring gifts to one another? It isn’t about gift giving though. It’s about appreciation. And Rafa tries to remember the last time Roger did something appreciative for him… Or the last time Roger managed to surprise him with a small gesture like Meri just did. He can’t.  
   
He wonders when they have stopped being with one another and have started simply living alongside one another – both of them engrossed in their own problems and agendas, stealing time away occasionally whenever nothing else gets into the way, scheduling their meetings and feeling pressured into being with one another while their thoughts are already on the next practice session, sponsorship meeting or dinner with the team. Rafa tries to remember the last time they simply have spent time together without thinking of something else, enjoying each others company and being grateful for the fact that they have time for only themselves. He can’t.  
   
Rafa knows Roger isn’t the only one to blame. There is two people in this relationship and he has allowed this to happen just as much as Roger. He has allowed time and day to day life to seep in and dilute the purity of the emotions they feel for one another. He has allowed for them to go from lovers to friends with benefits to people who need to make time for one another whenever they can… Rafa contemplates whether Roger has these same kind of thoughts, whether he worries about the nature and strength and longevity of their relationship. He wonders if Roger has doubts about himself and the way he acts in their relationship. He can’t.  
   
Meri walks past him in her mission to get the room back to it's former standard and her hand brushes along his naked forearm as she walks past. A simple gesture, a short moment of intimacy, of soothing physical contact. She does it because she knows he needs it. She does it because she knows it helps to ground him. He tries to remember the last time Roger has touched him like this, tries to remember the last time they snuggled up pressed against one another in bed, sharing warmth and touch. He can’t.

Meri returns from the bathroom with two towels that definitely belong to the hotel. It's a bit of a private joke really. She always does this whenever she travels with him. Stealing a towel from his hotel room. And he always feels guilty and stupid because of it. By now she has to have a whole cupboard full of ratty hotel towels... He doesn't remember how it all started, doesn't remember why she has so much fun doing it. He just knows she does it and right now it makes him smile. A smile he desperately needs. He tries to remember the last time Roger did something so utterly stupid that Rafa had to smile. Probably at Laver Cup last year... but he can't pinpoint an exact situation. He tries – but he can't.  
   
“Do you want me to stay?”  
   
Meri's question pulls him from his thoughts yet again. Sometimes she stays with him, sometimes she goes to her room but she always asks for his permission to stay. Tonight Rafa doesn't want to be alone. He nods and Meri steps up to him and pulls him into a gentle hug. He likes the fact that she is smaller than him, that she has to stand on her toes to whisper into his ear, that he can wrap both arms around her and simply lift her up if he wanted to – which he doesn’t do of course, courtesy of his stupid knees… 

She tells him he is perfect just the way he is, that one bad night doesn’t take away all his other accomplishments. She tells him she wouldn’t want him any other way – bum knees and all. She whispers the words to him and there is so much empathy and affection shining from her eyes, it easily lights up not only her face but the whole room. She tells him she loves him… And Rafa tries to remember the last time Roger or him have done the same thing, the last time either of them have said ‘I love you’. He can’t.  
   
He looks at her, looks deep into those brown eyes, studies every inch of her face – from the long lashes to the curve of her lips - and reaches out a hand to brush a stray strand of hair from her face. He loves her – it's as simple as that – and that fact hits him with a sudden clarity he has never felt before, at least not towards her. Meri is doing things for him, is saying things to him and is sacrificing time for him in a way neither he nor Roger have done for one another in quite a while. It is so easy to draw a conclusion from that and it is even easier to make a decision. And Rafa decides.  
   
“Marry me.”


	2. Never change a running system

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot bunny hopped by again and came up with another chapter.  
> It's mainly Rafa and Meri, though Roger is mentioned in this one.   
> He will be part of this story but it might take another chapter or two.
> 
> Special thanks to Mirai_Mirai for leaving feedback.  
> I guess I should gift this chapter to you - the feedback you gave helped for it to get written :)
> 
> Hope you like it.
> 
> <>°O°<>

Meri simply stares at Rafa for the longest of times without saying anything. She doesn't look happy or elated. She doesn't even look surprised. Actually she looks very much troubled. Rafa isn't sure what kind of a reaction he has expected of her. But this isn't it. Saying what he has said, asking her to become his wife – it has been a spur of the moment think born from his own swirling emotions of doubt towards his relationship with Roger and the desire to do something to show Meri how much he appreciates everything she has done for him. Maybe it has been the wrong thing to say. He definitely feels very much apprehensive about it now. And Meri certainly isn't a happy engaged either... which she isn't yet anyway because she hasn't said yes yet. She finally nods her head but it's more in acknowledgment than in agreement and when she finds her voice again she sounds very much reluctant and still pretty troubled. 

„Okay…”

“Does that mean ‘yes’?”

“No. I don’t know. It means I hear you…”

Rafa has tried to sound cheeky despite his nervousness but the attempt falls utterly short and Meri's answer is even more reluctant and troubled than before. She takes a step back from him, putting distance between them and turns away from him to go and switch off the music. Obviously this is a conversation she wants to have without any distractions. Rafa follows her, watches her every move and can't help but feel that she regrets having stayed when he had asked her to. This is a conversation she seems to want to avoid but now that they have started it, there is no getting away. And Rafa is more than just a little adamant for a real answer. Though her silence and that troubled expression on her face quite frankly tells him everything he needs to know. Still he asks her, wants her to say it out loud and have the courage to tell him – loud and clear – that he is being denied. 

“And?”

“And I have to think about it. This is a big decision…”

“Is it? It doesn’t change anything. You’re still you and I’m still me and we’re still together. You get a ring, a legal document and a party to prove it. But other than that…”

He smiles at her but Meri doesn't mirror the gesture. None of this is even remotely funny to her... or romantic for that matter. Admitting to the fact that despite the two words, he has nothing to offer her – not even an engagement ring – makes her crease her face into a frown. It's not that she expects to be showered in jewelry but she did expect some sort of thought process going into the proposal. Rafa has just admitted there hasn't been any. That he has asked her without planning, without giving it a proper thought process ahead of the question and quite definitely without knowing what he is getting himself into.

Nothing about this is romantic or heartwarming or flattering. Meri doesn't feel loved or appreciated. She feels very much used. Rafa feels bad – she gets that, it has been a tough afternoon for him – but that certainly doesn't give him the right to drop something like this in her lap... especially after admitting that it has come more as a desperate plea for affection than as an actual proposal of love and appreciation to spend the rest of their lives together. Meri crosses her arms in front of her chest and makes no attempt to keep the stern expression that has crept on her face at bay. 

“So you don’t have a ring… Or any kind of idea what you’re doing? This isn’t exactly a romantic proposal...”

“We can remedy that. If you say yes of course… And we need to skip the part about going down on one knee. Not really in the cards for me at the moment…”

“Is this a joke to you!?”

She doesn't want the anger to win the better of her, she really doesn't. It's not helpful, it makes both of them feel miserable and it doesn't resolve the situation. Deep down she knows Rafa is trying to relieve some of the tension his out of the blue question has caused between them. But it's the wrong thing to say at the wrongest of times. And quite frankly Meri doesn't want to be lenient and patient with him. She wants him to take it back and for them to go back to normal. Normal was good... and now everything is complicated... Opposite of her Rafa shakes his head and is quite prone to his own emotions as well, raising his voice and sounding very much defensive. 

“No! I… All I wanted was to take some of the gravity off this moment, lighten the mood...”

“But it is a grave topic. Because I think we see things very differently. It’s not bad, not by any means. But what we have, I know it’s different for the two of us. When I tell you ‘I love you’ I mean it, exactly like that. When you say it… it means you appreciate what I do for you and you are happy to have me. But it’s not love.”

“Isn’t that enough? I would be happy and you would get what you want.”

He doesn't even deny it, doesn't deny that what she feels for him and what he feels for her will never be equally as strong. Then again, he doesn't have to. It's not like they have conversations like this often but she isn't unaware of the facts. She's happy on evenings like today – or at least before Rafa asked her that insane question – and she knows she is selfish feeling that way. But on evenings like today, on bad days, Rafa needs her. And on those days she doesn't feel like she needs him more than he does her. On those days she feels equally as loved and appreciated... But now he has gone and has ruined it... and that stings. 

“So you want to marry me because it’s practical?”

“I want to marry you because I know we will both be happy.”

Meri gives his answer a long moment to sink in, a moment to quietly contemplate what he tells her. He's not wrong. They would be happy – at least for a while. They would end up realizing she is happier than him at some point. But even then Rafa would most certainly not be unhappy. But that's not the point. The point is that when it comes to their feelings being married or not doesn't change them. He won't suddenly live her more because there is a ring on her finger... If at all it makes matters more complicated and the last thing they need in their lives is more complications...

“We’re happy now. Well maybe not right now… You certainly aren’t. You’re not thinking straight.   
You’re way too emotional.”

“Shouldn’t a proposal be an emotional moment?”

“You’re not emotional because of the proposal. Which it wasn’t. It was more of a question… And I really don’t know how to answer it yet. What I do know is that you are still disappointed and angry and thinking way too much. I don’t want to be… used as a balm to make you feel better.”

Even though he denies it, Meri knows she has hit a sore spot. She can see it in the way Rafa's facial expression changes – like he has just bitten onto something sour – and his posture stiffens. One might think it's because he dislikes being accused of using her. But the truth is that he simply hates the fact that she can see through him so easily. When he does deny that simply wanting to feel better is his sole reason for proposing to her, there is not a lot of vehemence to his words. It leaves Meri with an opening, with a chance to ask for the full truth and of course she doesn't let the opportunity pass her by. 

“It’s not about that.”

„What is this really about then? What were you thinking about?“

“Roger.”

Rafa watches Meri carefully for her reaction when he finally gives a truthful answer to her question. If she is taken aback by the answer, she doesn’t let it show. Actually it's the first time since they have started this conversation that she looks confident and almost relaxed. He has given her something to work with, something she understand better than his willingness to propose to her. Meri knows about Roger of course and she knows how difficult it is at times. She knows that what Rafa and Roger share, is very much similar to what she and Rafa share. A relationship that is dependent on whatever time they can make and that is anything but balanced in the feelings they share... It seems she doesn't even blame him for the way he has allowed his negative emotions and doubts to win the better of him. She simply wants to understand it. 

“And thinking about him made you want to propose to me?!”

“Thinking about the fact that you are here and supportive and helpful and lovable made me want to propose to you.”

“Unlike him, you mean?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

Rafa is deflecting again and Meri is pretty sure it's not because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Maybe he truly doesn't know, can't make sense of what he feels... She tries to remember when those two have last spent time with one another and realizes she can't quite remember. Digging deeper into her own memories, she tries to come up with the last time Rafa talked about Roger – in a fond and happy way. She draws a blank yet again and a sudden feeling of clarity threatens to overwhelm her. This has never been about her... not really. 

“Is there something wrong? Did something happen between you two?”

“No. Yes. It’s not one thing, like a fight or something. It… has been happening for a while. And neither one of us has done anything about it. We’ve seen it, we didn’t like it but we didn’t do anything about it… What does that tell you?”

“It tells me you should talk to him instead of proposing to me.”

“And tell him what? That I feel underappreciated and not loved and cared for enough?”

Rafa's voice is dripping with sarcasm and Meri doesn't quite get why that is the case. It's not like his emotions are invalid or wrong or not relatable and understandable. She can easily understand why – in a long term relationship where time and effort are an issue – he feels the way he does. She has felt the same at times, whenever they have had a hard time to schedule time or when Rafa had been tied up in sponsorship and tournament responsibilities and she had spent the majority of her time alone or with his family instead of him. It happens... and nobody ever feels good about that. Rafa should know that. 

“If that is how you feel, you should tell him. How do you want to make this work, if you’re not honest with him?”

“It’s not about honesty. It’s about keeping my own misery to myself.”

“You shouldn’t have to.”

He shrugs at that and it seems her reassurance doesn't quite reach him. She has no idea why he feels the need to keep his negative feelings to himself instead of being honest with Roger. Only honesty can save them from drifting apart any further. Yet again, Rafa should know that. But he has already admitted that whatever has been going on between Roger and him that has left Rafa in such a funk, has not only happened a day or a week ago. It has been going on for a while. Still – something must have triggered this rather drastic approach Rafa has taken to resolve the issue... or run away from it. Meri wants to know what it was.

“What exactly brought this on? Is it the match? The injury? Me being here?”

“It was the cookies… And the fact that my boyfriend took six hours to even acknowledge I am injured and hurting and miserable.”

“Maybe he had other things on his mind…”

“Yeah, that seems to be the general problem these days. There’s always something getting in the way, always something that is more important, always something we have to put first. What kind of a relationship is that?”

This time Rafa sounds very much bitter. She has never heard him this doubtful about the long term relationship he and Roger share but then again he has never proposed to her before. Right now it seems, all Rafa is able to see is the negative without being able to look back on the relationship as a whole and see the good things as well. But that is what she is here for – to help him gain perspective. Meri gives him a soft, soothing and hopefully reassuring smile. 

“A long lasting one. One you shouldn’t throw away and give up on without a fight.”

“Marrying you doesn’t mean I give up on Roger.”

“No, it means you use me to hurt him.”

Rafa gives a deep, long, defeated sigh. Once again he doesn't deny the facts. They both know this isn't only about appreciation and wanting to do something to make Meri happy. This is just as much about the fact that Rafa wants to run away from the problems in his other relationship instead of fighting for it. It would be so, so easy for Meri to simply accept that fact, give in and enjoy a new reality in which she has Rafa all to herself. But she doesn't. Because she knows in the long run, it is not what either of them need. In the long run Rafa would hate himself for his decision and they would both be miserable. She doesn't want that. Neither of them want that. 

“So you won’t marry me?”

“Not until this issue is resolved.”

“And then?”

“Don’t take this the wrong way… But I think by then you will have changed your mind. You don’t want to be married, we both know that.”

It takes a moment but finally Rafa nods, slowly, thoughtfully. Marriage has never been an issue for them. In all the years they have shared this relationship, they have never really talked about the matter. At least not in a planning capacity. Sometimes it has been a desire, a romantic notion that he has gently denied her. Sometimes it has been a joking matter. It's a simple fact of life that ever since his parents have split up years ago, Rafa is very, very reluctant when it comes to the institution of marriage... She has never minded and she certainly won't start with it now. Rafa however has something soothing and quite flattering to say about the topic. They both smile at that – a soft, sad, knowing smile. 

“Maybe I want to be married to you.”

“Yes. Maybe.”


	3. Being proactive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot bunny hopped around again a bit and finally Roger is part of the story as well.  
> I have a plot outline ready now as well.   
> There will be about eight to ten more chapters, maybe less.  
> So it's not a long story. 
> 
> Thanks a million to Mira_Mirai for taking the time to leave feedback.
> 
> Hope you like the update.
> 
> <>°O°<>

Meri decides it is best for her to leave after they are through with their emotional and rather heated discussion following Rafa's impromptu proposal. She wants to, but Rafa asks her to stay and she doesn't have the heart to deny him. They are both still a little overwhelmed and emotionally drained from the way this late evening has progressed and Meri doesn't have it within her to engage in yet another discussion. So she stays. For Rafa's sake. Because that is what she does. She's there when he needs her to... and tonight he was willing to reward her for it – with a shiny ring and a legal document...

Maybe she should have gone about all this differently. Maybe she should have simply ignored what her mind screamed at her and should have listened to her heart – consequences be damned. But it's too late for that now and in the long run they both know it's better this way. This isn't about her, not really. This is about the fact that Rafa feels doubtful about the other relationship he has and that he tries to compensate that doubt by creating more certainty in his relationship with her. She has done the right thing. She will not be the tool to help Rafa hurt Roger.

She wonders if Rafa is even aware that in this whole love triangle, the way Meri feels about Rafa is a complete mirror image of the way Rafa feels about Roger. Both relationships are unbalanced and each of them mean something different when they say 'I love you'. But somehow they are all happy and content with what they have or at least they were. Rafa has been doubtful for a while, Meri is doubtful now after the unexpected proposal and Roger... Meri has no idea how Roger feels. It's not about what she knows though, it's about what she can do, can achieve. And what she can do, is to make sure Rafa is happy again. 

That night, after they have taken a shower and have settled and gone to bed and Rafa has fallen asleep, helped along by anti-inflammatories and pain killers to soothe his still throbbing knee, while Meri still is awake next to him, listening to his deep and even breathing, she takes Rafa's phone. She knows she shouldn't do it but she checks Rafa's phone to see what has triggered Rafa's proposal. She still has a hard time understanding what on earth has gotten into him, even now with so much time to think about it all. She has a certain understanding for him though and she knows she has helped them rather than hurt them in denying his proposal.

They are sort of at an impasse right now, looking at an uncertain future. Because Rafa hasn't exactly agreed to resolve the issue with Roger and Meri doubts that he will – not without a little push. He has said it himself after all – he wants to keep his misery to himself. But if Roger doesn't know that Rafa is miserable – and Meri very much doubts that is the case – how is he supposed to change anything and make Rafa feel less doubtful about their relationship?   
   
She is careful and measured as she has a look at the phone, not wanting to wake Rafa and see her check on stuff that isn't even remotely her business. But she does it anyway, reads Roger's text message and she has to admit it's indeed a little short and clipped. Maybe Roger hasn't been paying attention, maybe he did indeed have something else on his mind. Whatever the reason, there is one thing that surprises Meri even more than the message. It's the fact that Rafa hasn't send a reply... and that Roger is still waiting for it. 

Checking the contact information, Meri can see Roger is still online, still waiting for an answer and quite obviously still awake. It's almost two in the morning – not exactly a prime time for being awake and sitting by one's phone, waiting for an answer to a message sent. But that seems to be the case with Roger. Maybe he hasn't put too much thought into what to write Rafa. But he is definitely worried. Why else would he still be awake and have his phone on at this hour?

A sudden thought grabs a hold of Meri, one she knows she should ignore and cannot indulge in. Of course she can. It is physically possible. But she shouldn't. And yet she does. Because she wants to make sure her boyfriend is happy. She wants to make sure he is certain – of himself and his relationships. And she knows he needs her help, needs the push, needs somebody else to take the initiative for him. So she leaves the room, closes the bedroom door and scrolls through the contacts again, dialing the number of the one person she needs, to resolve this whole complicated mess the evening has turned into.

The phone rings and after the third ring a sudden moment of doubt grabs a hold of her and she is about ready to end the call. It's not like she has never talked to Roger before and she certainly wouldn't say they are on bad terms in any way. Unlike Mirka, she doesn't feel the need to keep her relationship with Rafa and the relationship her boyfriend shares with Roger separate from one another at any cost. She knows, they talk about it – like tonight – and she doesn't mind. But getting directly involved... it is not something she usually does. She doesn't get a chance to change her mind though, on the fourth ring, Roger picks up the phone and doesn't even bother with any pleasantries. Meri stops him and let's him know who the late night caller is, before he has a chance to say much of anything. 

“Rafa, I...”

“Roger. It's Meri. Rafa is sleeping.”

There is a long moment of silence at the other end of the line and Meri is pretty sure Roger is confused to hear her voice. She tries to remember the last time she had a conversation with Roger that has been more than just the exchange of hellos and pleasantries at some function. It was probably in Melbourne, the last time Rafa was injured and Roger was worried about him... It's no different now, more than he is confused to hear her voice, Roger is worried.

“Meri... Why... Is... is he okay? I sent a text and asked but he didn't get back to me...”

“No. He's not okay.”

It's the truth but of course Roger is thinking about the physical injury while Meri is very much talking about the emotional one. But Roger doesn't know about that, doesn't even seem to suspect. It's her first try at probing, at finding out how aware Roger actually is that there is a problem to his relationship with Rafa. The answer quite clearly seems to be – not at all. Roger concentrates solely on the physical problem and Meri decides to let him in on the whole truth. 

“Is it that bad?”

“It's not about the injury. It's about you and him.”

“What about us?”

Meri takes a deep breath. If she decides to answer Roger's question – and he already sounds clipped in his tone and very much irritated at the intervention – there is no turning back. But she has started this, she has gone behind Rafa's back – even if it is for his own good – and has interjected herself into this relationship. She can't very well pull back now. She knows she will be in trouble doing this but she also knows it's what needs to be done – in order for all three of them to be happy again. 

“I... I think you’re in trouble. Rafa asked me to marry him.”  
   
*#*

It's very late at night – or more so very early on the next morning – and Roger knows he should go to bed and get some sleep. But he has just ended a very disconcerting phone call and he is still reeling from that. A little, bitter voice in the back of his mind tells him it would have been better to go to bed with his wife hours before and not stupidly sit by his phone and wait for Rafa to reply to his text message. His patience has not been rewarded... Or maybe it has. Roger still has a hard time to wrap his head about the conversation he just had, with one of the most unlikely persons.

He' s still not sure what to make of Meri's call. He is angry and grateful to her all at the same time. Angry because she has lied to Rafa, has taken his phone, has intervened on his behalf and has called Roger in the middle of the night to talk to him about something that isn't any of her business. But he is glad that she has done it. Because everything she has told him, has come as a shock to him. It has been news to him – news he hasn't even been remotely aware of.

From everything the younger woman has told him, Rafa is doubtful about their relationship. No, it's more than that. Rafa is miserable. Those are the words Meri has used, has relayed to him as the exact thing Rafa has said to describe how he feels about them... And Roger doesn't get it. Admittedly the chances they have had to be together have been few and far in between, but that's just the way it is. They both know that and they have arranged their relationship around that particular fact. 

He himself can't relate to the emotions. He has not been unhappy or discontent. Maybe a little melancholy at the fact that they have spent so little time together as of late but certainly not doubtful... They have their tennis, their teams, their families and a lot of other commitments to attend to and it's only natural that they have very little time to themselves. It's just how it is. And when they are together, they make the most of it. Or at least that is what Roger thought.

Having spoken to Meri, he tries to think back, tries to reevaluate those few stolen moments in between and tries to be objective and not angry or judgmental at the way Rafa obviously feels about them. He needs to think back quite a few weeks, that is the first thing Roger realizes. There has been the brief encounter at the US Open, where he had to send Rafa away because of the kids being both sick and difficult, but before that...

It must have been at Wimbledon, probably after his quarterfinal loss. His team and family had gone out to dinner on his insistence and he had stayed behind at the rented house alone and had asked Rafa to come over. They hadn't talked – not beyond 'hello' and 'I'm sorry' and 'goodbye'. Their encounter had been mainly about sex and it had not been of the cuddly and romantic variety... Roger had felt better afterwards and Rafa hadn't said anything about not being okay. He had showered, he had dressed, he had given Roger that long, hard look like he was about to say something... and then he had said his goodbyes and had left. 

Thinking back to that evening in July now, Roger can't help but feel uncomfortable. Maybe he should have noticed it then, but he had been caught up in his own misery and he still feels this shouldn't be his responsibility. He knows Rafa – intimately – but he can't read the other man's thoughts. If Rafa feels bad or doubtful or miserable about something, Roger can't guess that. Rafa needs to tell him. And that is the problem of it all. The Spaniard never has told him. It has needed his girlfriend for Roger to even find out about it. And now – of course – he doubts every last moment they have shared together, fretting and wondering how many times before Rafa has been miserable and simply hasn't said a word about it. 

It isn't all about the sex of course, but that though is stuck in Roger's mind first and foremost. He tries to remember the last time sex hasn't just been about blowing off steam, about using the other to feel less tense and more relaxed. He tries to remember the last time they took their time with one another and took the chance to actually explore the other's body inch by inch. The last time it has been more than 15 minutes of hurried romping in the sheets and a shower afterwards... He can't.

There's more to their relationship than sex of course. There are the quiet, domestic moments in between that are equally as nice... But there have been few of those, Roger has to admit that. He tries to remember the last time they did something normal couples do. Share a meal together, watch a movie and cuddle on the couch, watch a sunset while holding hands... He can't.

The not talking is what gets to Roger the most though. Rafa isn't exactly a big talker – especially not in a foreign language – but he knows how to get his point across. And still as Roger tries to remember the last time they have talked about something personal, the last time Rafa has told him something about himself or his family, his mind draws a blank... He can't.

It's not just the fact that they don't talk about personal stuff a lot. Sometimes they don't have to. A lot of the things pertaining to Roger and his family or Rafa and his team go through various media channels and they are both aware of it. They know about the other's life. But as he tries to remember the last time they had a heartfelt talk about their relationship and their feelings for one another, he comes up with zero memories all the same. He tries to remember the last time either of them simply stopped and said 'I love you'. He can't.

The problem is – thinking back to all those moments – that he never felt discontent or lacking something right in the moment. He has been happy in those moments, happy for a chance to spend at least some time with the Spaniard, a chance to be together even if it's just a few stolen moments in between. He only realizes now that there might be a problem to the way they act and spend time with one another.

Something needs to change... that much is blatantly obvious. 

*#*

When Rafa wakes the next morning he distinctly feels like he would after a long night of partying and alcohol. He has no idea why that is because there hasn't been anything to celebrate and he certainly hasn't been drinking but he feels hungover all the same. He groans into his pillow as he turns over and moves to the edge of the bed to get up and get this new day underway. Getting up is a feat to accomplish but at least the medication he has taken before going to sleep has helped some, and his knee isn't giving him as much trouble as it did last night.

He makes a quick stop over in the bathroom, splashes a bit of cold water into his face and brushes his teeth before he enters the main room of the suite. The smell of coffee is strong in the room and Meri is at the table by the door, two cups of coffee in front of her, pushing one of them over to the edge of the table with a smile as Rafa approaches. She has made sure there is coffee for both of them when he wakes up. But Rafa can't appreciate the gesture. 

Seeing her, sitting there and smiling, he suddenly remembers what they have talked about last night and those memories return to him like lightning. He stops dead in his track and a cold, hard feeling of dread settles in his stomach. He stares at her, coffee and smile forgotten, doesn't dare to move even an inch closer and his voice sounds hollow to his own ears when he addresses her.

“Last night... did I ask you to marry me?”  
   
“Yes.”  
   
“Did you say yes?”  
   
“No.”

Rafa bites back on a sigh of relief forming at the back of his throat both at her answer and at the fact that she is still smiling softly at him. He hasn't destroyed anything with this stupid, impromptu proposal born from too much negativity and bitterness that he had felt last night. He hasn't lost her over his own stupidity. Meri has been patient and loving and kind and she is still here.. It's more than Rafa could have hoped for. 

Finally the feeling of dread subsides though he isn't quite sure how to react now. For the time being he picks up the pace again, walks up to the table, settles down and takes the offered coffee. He has no idea what to say to her and at some point they will have to talk about how to go on from here. After all he did ask her to marry him and even if she said no, the dynamic between them has shifted. He needs to make it clear that it has been a fluke, a misunderstanding and that he is happy she said no. He never gets a chance to say any of that though. Meri goes first. And what she has to say sends a shiver down Rafa's spine and causes a red hot fire to spread in his insides all at the same time. 

“I might have done something you probably won't like though... I talked to Roger. And I told him.”

“Told him what?”

“How you feel...”

Rafa blinks a couple of times, trying to make sense of what Meri just said. He remembers that he told her, used the way he feels about Roger to explain why he wanted so badly for her to say yes to his proposal just the night before. He has let her in on secrets nobody else knows about. And he had been sure she would keep those secrets. It had been implied that they were not for the world to know. And they especially weren't for Roger to know. His voice is trembling with barely contained rage but Meri doesn't seem impressed. She has stayed remarkably calm throughout... just like last night. 

“Why?!”

“So you two talk to one another and resolve whatever is wrong between you two.”

“You had NO right to do that.”

She smiles – a sad little smile that tugs at his heart and makes it impossible to stay angry with her. As so many times before in his life, Meri has been there for him when he needed her most and she has done the right thing, has done exactly what he needed without him even being aware of the fact that he needed it. He knows she does what she does to help him and make him feel better. He knows she would never consciously hurt or betray him. And he knows he can trust her. There is no need or reason to stop now. When she speaks, it's obvious doing this hasn't been easy for her. She sounds troubled but determined and she is still smiling ever so softly.

“I know. But you wouldn't do it and he seemed completely oblivious. Somebody had to help you two idiots along.”

“And what now?”

“He will be here, back in New York again. This afternoon. And he agreed to have dinner with you. You two should talk – a real, honest, heartfelt talk. Please?”


	4. Collision course

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot bunny took a couple of twists and turns in this chapter and I'm not entirely happy with it.  
> Somehow I feel this chapter misses some of the in depths stuff...  
> Though my trusted beta assured me that's just me being paranoid.  
> Let me know what you think, please. 
> 
> Rafa and Roger finally talk in this chapter.  
> Hope you like it. 
> 
> <>°O°<>

Rafa isn’t quite sure which emotion threatens to win the better of him – the anger towards Meri for going behind his back, betraying his trust and forcing him into a situation he doesn’t want to be in or the nervousness of facing Roger, who is most definitely very much angry with him for his own lies and betrayal of trust…  
   
The irony of the mirror image certainly isn’t lost on Rafa. Meri has done something he has a hard time to both understand and forgive and he has done the same thing to Roger. So much for a happy and stable relationship. Right now it seems both of his relationships are very much dysfunctional… He can’t help but wonder if Roger has the same problems with Mirka. Somehow he highly doubts that.  
   
The truth of the matter is, that it’s not the arbitrary act of Meri’s decision that angers him. It’s the fact that she is forcing his hand. She has put him in a situation he cannot run or hide from. He can’t just not talk to Roger now. He has to. And even though he most definitely wasn’t happy before, at least this way things were a little bit easier. All he had to do was endure and hope for things to get better on their own.  
   
It’s insanity really – he has known that all along. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the results to change somehow. Not talking to an oblivious partner will not make the relationship any better, no matter how often Rafa tries that particular approach. Fighting however, laying himself bare and admitting to all the negative emotions that have lead up to this point, that sounds even more insane to him… Instead his decision had been to simply let go of what he has and exchange it for something else, something that would have most definitely left him feeling equally as trapped and miserable. Bless Meri for her ability to know what’s best for them better than he does and say no at the right moment, sparing them both the heartache…  
   
Maybe he is just like his father… Abandoning a perfectly good relationship after more than a decade without so much as a fight or putting any effort into saving it… Because that is what he had planned to do. The thought is a vicious one and Rafa knows he isn’t being fair. He also knows his parents have actually managed to reconcile. But those feelings, that anger and disdain towards his father stems from the way he felt when they had first told him. And sometimes – in dark and bad and doubtful moments like today, that feeling returns to him.  
   
And maybe he’s not wrong. Maybe it’s somehow engrained into him – the inability to hold onto a relationship and simply be happy with what is given to him. It’s why he hasn’t been able to tell Roger the truth, it’s why Meri rejected his proposal. Maybe he simply isn’t relationship material… Or maybe – just maybe – he is being a coward still looking for a way out of an impossible situation. But he can’t. Meri has made sure of that. He has to go to dinner and he has to talk to Roger – openly and honestly. At least they will be at a public venue – there is no chance of an ugly fight there… Or at least Rafa hopes there isn’t.  
   
He meets Roger at the restaurant and he feels nauseous because he’s so damn nervous to be here. It’s like walking out on court at a Grand Slam final. Too much nervous energy pent up and contained. Just that he doesn’t get a chance to let go of that energy here. There’s no chance to bounce and run and play his heart out. All he can do here is sit and talk and keep himself together… Maybe that is even more difficult than playing a Grand Slam final…  
   
Roger is already there, seated at their table and of course Rafa knew that. After all he is late – only by about 10 minutes but still late. The expression on the older man’s face is unreadable and it does nothing to quell Rafa’s nervousness. Roger watches his every move as he approaches and settles himself on the free chair opposite the Swiss. They have yet to say anything to one another and already Rafa feels like running. When Roger finally breaks the silence, his words are measured but there is a sharpness to his voice, that only causes the cold knot in Rafa’s stomach to harden. What he has to say isn’t any better.  
   
“So apparently you're unhappy with me?”  
   
Roger knows it’s been the wrong start to an already difficult conversation and as much as he has wanted to stay composed, he simply hasn’t managed. Rafa – unsurprisingly - looks taken aback and quite obviously hurt at the snide remark and Roger sighs and raises both hands in a gesture of defeat. The last thing he wants is to fight with Rafa about the way the younger man feels. That is not what he has come here for. He was angry at Meri’s revelation but above all else he was completely shocked by it. Because he hadn’t been aware.  
   
This is there chance to redeem themselves and make sure their relationship can still be saved, has to be saved. And Roger has sworn to himself not to judge or to get angry. Rafa has every right to his feelings and them meeting here today is not about arguing. It's about finding a way to make things better. Letting his own bitter emotions of feeling lied to and betrayed win the better of him, will not help them. Roger knows he needs to go about this differently, so he tries again.  
   
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you like this. It's just... I never even knew...”  
   
“That was the point.”  
   
It’s the wrong thing to say and Rafa wants to take it back the second the words have left his mouth. It seems they are both at a loss as to how best approach the difficult subject of a relationship falling apart with one member of it unaware and the other unwilling to fight for it. Those aren’t exactly ideal circumstances… Rafa tries for a smile but it ends up as a half-hearted grimace that probably looks more like he’s in pain than trying to defuse the situation. It’s not that far off from the truth. This whole thing – them being here unable to find the right words – is pretty damn painful.  
   
“I never meant to lie to you. I just… I wanted you to be happy.”  
   
“What about you?”  
   
“What about me?”  
   
Roger gives him an exasperated look but Rafa still needs a moment to understand what the older man is so worked up about. After months of not trying, of enduring, of feeling neglected and sad and unhappy, it’s hard to even comprehend that he is asked about his feelings in this relationship. He knows it’s not spite or disinterest. It’s the simple fact that Roger never even knew there was a problem… Because Rafa hasn’t told him… and he’s still not sure how to go about voicing his concerns and worries and emotions now. It’s hard but he tries – albeit haltingly.  
   
“I don’t know. You never even seemed to be bothered… I guess I… just assumed I was making too much of a big deal of it. I thought I was being too sensitive. I thought I would… learn to appreciate what we have, even if it’s not enough. It’s never enough. But I couldn’t. I can’t.”  
   
“How long?”  
   
“Six months. Maybe longer.”  
   
Rafa doesn’t dare look at Roger when he tells him. Six months is sugarcoating it but he doesn’t exactly want to go into any more detail. It’s bad enough already, he can hear it in the soft gasp Roger tries to hide from him. When the older man speaks again, there is a soft tremble to his voice.  
   
“So for six months you have been miserable, going through the motions whenever you were with me and you never even told me… And I never even noticed.”  
   
“You had other things on your mind…”  
   
Finally Rafa finds the courage within himself to look up again. Roger looks just as miserable as he himself is feeling. It’s no surprise though. Having just realized that he has been oblivious to a serious problem for months on end and his partner never even bothered to lay it out for him, that has got to hurt. Telling him that he understands and that all Rafa tried to do was to make sure at least one of them is happy, doesn’t exactly help.  
   
“Which is exactly the problem, isn’t it? You feel… what exactly? Underappreciated? Not properly cared for? Not loved? What?”  
   
“I feel like it wouldn’t matter if I’m with you or not. I feel like… I feel invisible around you.”  
   
“Is this about me telling you to go, a week and a half ago when Myla was sick?”  
   
Roger sounds defensive all of a sudden and somehow he has managed to outmaneuver the actual problem with his irritated question. This isn’t about one particular moment in time. It’s about almost all the moments they have spent over the course of the last six to eight months. Granted describing himself as feeling invisible around Roger maybe has been a bit much. But that is what they are here for – to be honest around one another – even if it is difficult and even if it hurts.  
   
“It’s not just that. It’s a lot of little things in between. The way you keep an eye on your phone or your watch when we’re together. The way we have to schedule and reschedule time and again. The way we keep things superficial and rushed whenever we steal some time away from all of our other responsibilities. We’re not together, not like other couples. We’re… co existing.”  
   
“But it’s not just me!”  
   
“I know that. I did say ‘we’. I know I’m the same. And I don’t know how to change it. I didn’t want to try. It was too difficult and I didn’t want to fight. So I… I stayed silent.”  
   
Roger nods very slowly, deeply lost in his own mind, trying to make sense of Rafa’s assessment of their situation. A thought suddenly seems to occur to him and Rafa dreads the question, seeing the expression on Roger’s face. It’s as if a rather big revelation is dawning on him and of course the older man manages to pick apart that one moment not too long ago, that stings the most whenever Rafa thinks about it.  
   
“Back in Wimbledon, after the quarter final when you came over to my house... Afterwards, when you were ready to go and you just stood there, looking at me and not talking. What went through your mind? How did you feel?”  
   
“I felt... used.”  
   
“And you didn't say anything because?!”  
   
Roger is angry with him again and this time his voice rises in volume and pitch, enough for the couple two tables over to look at them. It’s exactly what was not supposed to happen – them having a fight in public. Of course it’s an emotionally loaded situation but the only things Rafa feels are defeat and exhaustion. He keeps his own voice level and low, hoping to calm Roger down, even though he barely has anything positive to say.  
   
“Because I was okay with it. Because it was what you needed. And I get it. You were angry and frustrated and sad and you needed... me. It's okay.”  
   
“This is not about what I need or what's best for me. You should have told me!”  
   
“I didn't want you to feel bad.”  
   
“I feel bad now!”  
   
“Sorry...”  
   
Roger stops himself, not because the people two tables down are looking at them again but because they are getting nowhere this way. Of course he feels bad, he doesn’t need to tell that to Rafa. The younger man knows, it shows all too clearly in that pained expression on his face. Roger forces himself to take a deep, measuring breath. He even manages a smile, though it is small and sad.  
   
“Don't... don't apologize. You don't have to apologize. Especially not for how you feel. I'm not angry because you feel used or because you allowed this to happen, even though you didn't want to. I'm angry because you didn't tell me. You lied to me. You have never lied to me before...”  
   
“Do... do you want me to leave?”  
   
“No! I want you to talk to me.”  
   
The question seems so out of place and so uncharacteristic that Roger can’t help but raise his voice again. Rafa has been telling the truth, saying to him that he hasn’t found it within himself to fight for what should be theirs… He didn’t fight for it these last few months and he doesn’t do it now. Even the request to have him speak his mind, seems to leave only confusion in it’s wake. Rafa shrugs his shoulders at him.  
   
“Why?”  
   
“Why?! So we can make it better!”  
   
“We can't. I told you. It's why I didn't say anything in the first place.”  
   
“We can't... Are you serious?!”  
   
By now Roger really doesn’t care that people are looking at them. Rafa’s inability to see any light at the end of this tunnel they have maneuvered themselves into somehow, is simply infuriating. First the younger man leaves him completely oblivious to the problem at hand and now he doesn’t even want to try to make things better?! It hardly seems fair. And it leaves a red hot fire in Roger’s stomach that he is unable to control. Rafa however reacts just as calmly to his heated words as before – and with just as much stoicism.  
   
“We can't be like other couples, Roger. We can't make more time, we can't abandon our families, we can't drop out of the sport from one day to the next. We can't change anything. So why talk about it?”  
   
“So that I know how you feel and you know how I feel. And we can at least try, can't we? I mean I know it's difficult but it's not impossible. I'm here now and so are you. I'm supposed to travel to Chicago, you're supposed to go to Barcelona and see your doctor but still here we are, having dinner... and an argument. It's not impossible to make more time. We just have to make a conscious effort.”  
   
It takes a while but finally Rafa acknowledges that there is indeed something they can do. He still looks unsure and utterly exhausted, like even talking about it takes too much energy away. But he is nodding his head in agreement and after even another while longer manages to maintain eye contact with Roger as well as put a small smile on his face. Roger takes that as a good sign, a sign to continue.  
   
“What exactly is it you were bothered about? It's not just the lack of time is it? And it's not just the sex either? It's other things as well? Little things?”  
   
“Yes.”  
   
“Tell me. “  
   
The fact that Roger already suspects and assumes, makes it a little easier to admit to what Rafa feels has gone wrong in their relationship over time. Inadvertently his thoughts return to Meri because she and the relationship with her are the direct comparison and contrast he has. It’s not that he wants his relationship with Roger to be exactly like that. But he wants some things he has with Meri to work with Roger too.  
   
“I... I miss things. I hate how things are different between you and me than they are with Meri. She… makes an effort, she takes time, she listens, she… makes me feel appreciated.”  
   
“Which is why you asked her to marry you?”  
   
There is spite and venom to Roger’s voice, though not a lot. He is jealous and even though that jealousy is clouded by anger, it’s still flattering that he feels that way. It makes it clear to Rafa that Roger indeed values him, the time they spent and the relationship they have together. It's a feeling Rafa has sorely been missing these last couple of months. He smiles – remembering the pragmatic way in which Meri declined his proposal. Somehow with her, things are always a little easier…  
   
“Yes. And luckily she is also very smart, very strong-willed and very pragmatic. She said no.”  
   
“I know. She told me.”  
   
Rafa can’t help but chuckle softly at that. For a woman who didn’t want to get married, Meri really couldn’t wait to tell somebody about the proposal. Of course Rafa knows she hasn’t done it to gloat or because she felt proud. On the contrary. Just as much as he did, she used those two grave words of ‘marry me’ to make it clear to Roger – once and for all – that there is a huge obstacle in the way of his relationship with Rafa. As much as Rafa is still furious about Meri’s intervention, he is silently grateful just as much. In the end, she did the right thing… all that is left for him and Roger to do now, is to build from that… Rafa still isn’t sure how though. He looks to the older man for guidance.  
   
“What now?”  
   
“Now we start over. We start small. You tell me one thing that has been bothering you and we make it work. And then we go on from there. We fight for what is ours. Because nothing worth having comes easy.”  
 


	5. Having a laugh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally I managed a fluffy chapter - yeah!  
> Rafa and Roger start working on their relationship from here on out.
> 
> Hope you like it
> 
> <>°O°<>

Starting with little things – that has been Roger’s suggestion. Starting small and building from there… Roger’s idea has a romantic notion to it but just as with all the times they have spent together these last couple of months, reality and wishful thinking widely diverge from one another. They can’t simply change who they are and what they do and start anew. But that is exactly the line of thinking that has gotten them into this mess in the first place. It’s not about changing, it’s about trying to fight for their relationship. And that they can do – Rafa is sure of that now.  
   
Roger asks him to pick one little thing they can work on and that is hard enough already. There are too many choices and some of them seem utterly stupid to Rafa now. In the end he decides to compare again, because even though Meri is a sore topic after the events of the previous night, she still provides a certain safety. Saying something along the lines of ‘Meri does this and that and I want that for us too’ sounds a lot less silly than saying ‘I miss us joking around like a bunch of idiots’.  
   
He tells Roger the story about Meri and the hotel room towels and how that managed to make him grin last night when she did it. It’s probably the smallest of all the things Rafa has been missing and feeling sorrowful about but that is exactly what Roger asked of him. To pick a tiny thing they can work on and work up to the larger problems from there. Not laughing with one another seems like a small enough thing.  
   
“I miss how we laugh and joke and tease and are simply stupid with one another. Meri does this thing where she always – always – takes a towel from every hotel room I’m in. She never asks me to do it for her, but whenever she comes along, she does this. It’s almost like tradition by now. And it makes me smile every time she does it. You and I, we don’t have that… Not anymore.”  
   
“You want me to steal a towel for you?”  
   
“It’s not about the towel, Roger… You… you’re teasing…”  
   
It’s a belated realization that there is no sarcasm but amusement to Roger’s tone of voice and that the Swiss is actually smiling at him. He hasn’t meant any harm, he isn’t angry, he is simply making just a tiny bot of fun of his boyfriend… Rafa smiles as soon as realization hits him and it seems Roger has missed that smile on his face. Suddenly there is a fondness in the older man’s eyes and a relaxed expression to his face, that Rafa hasn’t seen all evening long.  
   
“You’re smiling. I don’t think I have seen you smile in a while… Should have been my first clue that something is wrong… And I did get what you mean, Rafa. You’re right… We haven’t had that kind of aimless fun in a while. Though somehow I had the feeling you don’t appreciate being teased.”  
   
“Depends on the teasing.”  
   
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
   
Roger is actually grinning now, because he is fully aware of what Rafa is referring to. Roger has this goofy, almost childlike streak to himself when it comes to stupid or practical jokes. Rafa likes it – he wouldn’t be with Roger if he didn’t – but sometimes it gets just a little exhausting dealing with the older man when he is like that. And it’s not always nice to be the recipient of that kind of over-the-top teasing and humor. Rafa tries to phrase his response carefully and he does so with a smile. Roger retaliates almost immediately – but still there is no venom to their little argument.  
   
“You… get a little carried away sometimes.”  
   
“And you’re way too serious. Always have been.”  
   
“I am not.”  
   
“Out of the two of us, you’re definitely the more serious one. You barely ever joke.”  
   
“I do!”  
   
“Yeah, but with you it’s different. With you it’s hard to tell whether you’re joking or being sarcastic.”  
   
Rafa takes the time to think about that for a moment, tries to make sense of it. Roger isn’t entirely wrong… But it’s mainly the way Rafa acts around the media and not with his friends, family and people closest to him. Admittedly Roger is a little sensitive about the topic ever since Rafa’s statement at the U.S. Open that he did not want to look like Roger’s boyfriend, praising his accomplishments every time a journalist felt inclined to ask him about it.   
   
It had been a sarcastic joke but a compliment all the same. Still the Swiss hadn’t liked it… mainly because Rafa had been lying – or had been forced to lie. After all they were indeed a couple and Rafa admitting to the press that he didn’t want to be associated as more than a rival or a loose friend to Roger, that had stung… Taking that little bit of spite with a grain of salt, Rafa can’t really agree with Roger.  
   
“You make me sound bitter. And it’s different with you or with my team or with the press. I would never make the jokes I make with my team or my friends the same way with you. It’s a language problem. Joking in English is… difficult.”  
   
“I do it.”   
   
“You’re different. Special.”  
   
Rafa means what he says, has always meant it. It’s probably why there is an imbalance in their relationship. He can’t think of himself as special – though a lot of people have repeatedly told him he is – and definitely not in the same way he thinks about Roger. The older man is smiling at him in response, but doesn’t say anything about the compliment. He stays focused on the topic at hand.  
   
“I still think you’re way too serious way too often. What about that promotion TV spot we did for the charity match? You were serious then!”  
   
“I tried to be. One of us had to. You couldn’t hold it together if I remember correctly. And you made me laugh – a lot.  I think they were ready to strangle us by the end…”  
   
“But you had fun.”  
   
“I always have fun when I’m with you.”  
   
“Not for the last six months.”  
   
It’s a low blow and that warm fuzzy feeling that has started to settle in the pit of Rafa’s stomach immediately evaporates. Roger doesn’t even say it in a bitter or angry tone. He doesn’t mean to hurt Rafa or remind him why they are here, discussing things from their past to get to a better future… He is simply stating the facts and all Rafa can do is return is bite back a sad sigh and agree.   
   
“No. Not then.”  
   
“So what exactly do you expect me to do? Find more ridiculous TV spots for us to do together?”  
   
“I… I don’t know… It’s not like humor is something that can be forced. I just… miss it.”  
   
They don’t exactly come up with a solution that night. But the tail end of their conversation, the way they managed to feel relaxed around one another and actually did manage a joke and a tease or two, that leaves Rafa hopeful. Maybe bringing humor back into their relationship it’s not such a small thing after all. And maybe fighting and saving what they have isn’t that impossible either…   
   
They go their separate ways after that evening, because they have to. Roger has things he needs to take care of in preparation for Laver Cup and has to go to Chicago. Rafa needs to see a doctor about whatever is wrong with his knee. So they end up pretty much traveling in two completely different directions. But for the first time in months, Rafa isn’t left with that uneasy feeling of them drifting apart. Maybe he isn’t exactly happy but he certainly isn’t miserable any more.  
   
Roger seems determined to make things work. He sends him text messages and links to his tweets, showing videos of the two of them from last years Laver Cup. Of course the older man claims it’s all just preparation and promotion but Rafa knows better. He maybe would be inclined to believe Roger if at least one of the little video snippets showing up, would remotely feature any of the other members of last years Laver Cup teams. But it’s all about him and Roger.   
   
It’s a show of appreciation just as much as it is a display of humor because seeing his own elation and passion depicted in a slow-motion-video is sort of hilarious. Rafa knows he tends to look just a little bit stupid when he celebrates victories… He’s no different from other people in that regard. But he gets filmed and photographed way more often doing it than other people. And Roger is taking full advantage of that fact.   
   
Finally Rafa calls the Swiss – as much to complain about the fact that Roger is acting like a complete and utter fanboy as well as to simply hear the other man’s voice again after almost a week of goofy texts and silly internet links. He has to wait until it is later in the afternoon because of the time difference and when he calls, Roger picks up on the second ring. It’s a nice change of pace and the fact that the older man sounds more than just a little excited to hear from him, causes a nice, warm feeling spread in Rafa’s chest.  
   
“Hey, I didn’t expect to hear from you. I was sure you were busy or something. But it’s good. Really good. Have you checked my messages?”  
   
“Yes. All of them. Maybe you should stop sending those out for all the world to see, though. Your other teammates might get jealous. They might think all you care about for this year’s Laver Cup is that I’m not there.”  
   
“But it is. I miss you.”  
   
They are simple and small words but still the gravity behind what Roger says, the emotion audible in his voice and the enormity of the feelings behind them, it takes Rafa’s breath away for just a second. Of course they have missed each other before. Of course they have told each other before but this, this is different. The feel to it is different. Because it is not one of those rushed conversations they have in passing where words are pretty much meaningless… This means something. As little as Rafa wants to take away from the importance of this moment, he can’t help but tease Roger. After all the Swiss had accused him of being too serious all the time.   
   
“I miss you, too. And everybody else knows you miss me just the same. You’re tweets send a pretty vivid picture of what you want. You’re not subtle.”  
   
“Neither were you a year ago. It’s a miracle nobody asked us if we were involved right there and then. You practically pounced on me!”  
   
“You held your arms out to me! You’re to blame just as much!”  
   
“I had just won a match. I wasn’t thinking straight.”  
   
“And I had just watched you win and you know I’m passionate – about the sport and about you - that has to count for leniency.”  
   
There is a moment of silence and then they both start to laugh simultaneously and keep on laughing for quite a while. To Rafa’s surprise, Roger is first to regain both his breath and his composure. That doesn’t happen too often, usually once he starts with one of those laughing fits, Roger has a hard time to get them back under control. He doesn’t exactly have it under control though, Rafa can still hear Roger giggle softly while he tries to reign in his breathing.  
   
“Maybe we should agree we’re both at fault… Or neither.”  
   
“Let’s blame it all on Borg. He was team captain after all. He could have stopped us.”  
   
Rafa’s suggestion obviously catches the Swiss off guard and sends Roger into another laughing fit. This time Rafa manages to remain calm throughout though he is grinning so hard his face actually hurts from it. When Roger finally finds his voice again, he is still chuckling as he relays what ridiculous thoughts have been going through his mind at Rafa’s words.   
   
“I would pay money to see that. Björn Borg trying to stop you from showing and sharing your passion and excitement about a won match and keeping you from jumping into my arms and being all over me.”  
   
“I was NOT all over you!”  
   
“Not right there and then, no.”  
   
There is a husky quality to Roger’s voice all of a sudden and Rafa is glad this is only a phone call. He’s most definitely blushing and he is sure there is a visible redness to his cheeks. Roger would probably never stop laughing again if he could see him like this right now… Of course they both know what Roger is talking about and Rafa can’t help but scold the other man for his bluntness. It’s a fond and gentle chiding though and Roger’s voice sounds just as gentle and loving when he answers.  
   
“You are an evil man, Roger.”  
   
“No, just a relentless tease.”  
   
They talk about nothing in particular for a little while longer and that warm, happy feeling of fondness never quite leaves Rafa again. This is exactly what he meant when he told Roger about missing humor and fun in their relationship. And the older man has known exactly what to do to make things work. He is making things better, they both are. It’s not the first time Rafa feels it but it’s the first time he feels this sure about it – they can do this. They can fight, they can change, they can save what belongs to them… and they are happy doing it.  
   
A little while later, it’s about time for dinner in Spain, which means it has to be late in the afternoon over in the U.S., Roger sends another, private and a little more serious message. It’s a question really and even though the older man asks about their relationship and where they stand, Rafa smiles seeing it. And that smile only widens when he replies to answer Roger’s question.  
   
‘Is this what you meant? What you missed?’  
   
‘I don’t miss it anymore.’


	6. Surprises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot bunny returned to me and here's a new chapter.  
> This one is most definitely not canon compliant with what actually happened at Laver Cup   
> but as real life doesn't provide us with Fedal, I simply came up with my own. :D  
> I hope it all makes sense and doesn't come across as too unrealistic or anything... 
> 
> I would really appreciate some feedback on the story.   
> So if you'd decide to click on that little comment button and leave a couple of words, you'd make my day. Thanks :)
> 
> Hope you like it. Enjoy!
> 
> <>°O°<>

There has been a gentle and somewhat guarded conversation what would be next on Rafa’s agenda of things they need to change in order to make their relationship work for both of them again. It’s guarded because the last thing Roger wants, is for Rafa to believe that a couple of days of goofiness and one phone call full of teasing is the extent of what he is willing to do in order to make the younger man feel sure and happy of their relationship again. He needn’t have worried. Rafa is understanding and maybe just a little bit reluctant. Even now – with one point on the list achieved – he stays unsure of the two of them. Then again it is to be expected. Rome wasn’t built in a day… or rebuilt to use the metaphor for their specific situation.  
   
Rafa is back home on Mallorca while Roger is still in Chicago and Laver Cup is only two more days away. He is nervous and excited and that makes him just a tiny bit giddy when he calls Rafa, just to be sobered up by his own mind getting in the way when he realizes that maybe he has used the wrong approach for a still delicate situation. But Rafa doesn’t mind.   
   
“So, what’s next on your list?”  
   
“What list? I have no list.”  
   
“The list of things we need to do to make you happy with me again… I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I know we can’t just go point by point and in the end it’s all better… I know we can’t just have one good day and then return to the way it was before. I know it’s not about gestures but about a change in general. I know…”  
   
“Rogi, stop.”  
   
Rafa finally has mercy on him and stops him from rambling on like an idiot. Roger has actually managed to get out of breath during his little rant. He can hear Rafa chuckling softly at the other end of the line. At least for that it is worth it that he has managed to work himself into a frenzy. He has made Rafa laugh in the process. Still he feels a little silly going on and on like that.   
   
“I’m sorry.”  
   
“And stop apologizing. It’s okay. We both have to work on this, no? And it’s difficult and it takes time. I understand.”  
   
“Good. That’s… good. So… what do we work on next? I think fun and jokes definitely isn’t a problem any more. I just made a complete fool of myself all for your benefit.”  
   
“You did not. It’s fine. But yes I have… other things.”  
   
The reluctant tone has returned to Rafa’s voice and Roger tries to imagine the younger man’s facial expression. It would be so much easier doing this if they were actually face to face and not on the phone. Rafa is so expressive that seeing him always makes it a lot easier to know what he is thinking and how he is feeling. Without that it’s mostly guesswork. But this time Roger can hear it all too clearly in the other man’s voice – Rafa needs a little push and so Roger does exactly that.   
   
“Tell me.”  
   
“I miss… surprises.”  
   
*#*

Once again they leave the suggestion, the wish Rafa has for them to both work on without making a decision about how to proceed. It's even more difficult than the teasing and joking because surprises take a more conscious effort. Anyone can be funny on a whim. Surprises however take a certain amount of planning. And as much as Roger wants to make time and make Rafa his priority, he simply can't. It's Laver Cup, he is the host and organizer and that is what is on his mind and on his schedule first and foremost these days. As much as he hates it – Rafa has to wait. 

It's Thursday, the day before the tournament starts and Roger has had a very busy day. The members of team Europe have all arrived and they have been out to a restaurant for an early dinner. Just like last year, it has taken a bit of time and effort to break the ice and get the lot of different players to talk to one another and enjoy their time together here in Chicago and playing at the event. As host, Roger has tried his utmost to make sure everybody feels welcome and has a good time and now he is utterly exhausted. 

It's only a little past eight in the evening when Roger returns to his hotel room and all he wants is to take a long, hot shower and then go to bed and sleep until the next day. He never even gets the chance to go to the bathroom and put on the hot water. He manages the slip out of his shoes and is about to get rid of the rest of his clothes, when there is a knock on his door. Roger sighs deeply and curses softly. For a small second, he debates simply ignoring his visitor. But he knows he can't do that. It could be one of his fellow players needing something or somebody from the event organizers having a question or request... He can't just ignore them. 

He curses some more but by the time he reaches the door and opens it on his unwanted visitor, he has plastered a smile on his face, ready to play the gracious host again. He opens the door, ready to deliver some welcoming and friendly words but in the end he doesn't even get out a single syllable. Because for some inexplicable reason, the visitor in front of his door has nothing to do with Laver Cup. He isn't supposed to be here and the utter surprise Roger feels at seeing the other man stuns him into silence. And as it turns out that is exactly the point.  
   
“Rafa...”

“Hola, Rogi. I... I thought it was my turn, no?”  
   
“I…What?”  
   
“I say ‘we’, remember? We both need to work. We both need to fight. And now is my turn. So… Surprise!”

Rafa is grinning – a bright, happy, almost goofy grin that lights up his entire face. He seems very pleased with himself at a job well done – because he has definitely managed to surprise the Swiss.   
Roger however still has a hard time making sense of the other man's presence here. Rafa's supposed to be home – back on Mallorca – resting and recuperating. Him being here is definitely a surprise and of course it's a good one but the Spaniard's timing couldn't have been worse... Roger however doesn't say that. His senses finally return to him and he realizes he is being rude, leaving Rafa standing out there in the corridor. 

“Come in. Can I get you something? Something to drink maybe?”

Rafa shakes his head no as he enters the room and Roger let's the door fall closed behind him. It occurs to him only now that Rafa apparently didn't bring any luggage apart from the backpack he has with him. Obviously this has been a spur of the moment decision on his part, but that is what surprise is all about anyway. To Roger it presents the rather unique problem that – while he very much appreciates the fact that Rafa has come all this way to be with him – he simply doesn't have any time to spare at the moment. He chooses his words carefully. They have both agreed to put in an effort in order to save their relationship. Pulling away and citing more important things definitely isn't that. But there simply is no chance for Roger to rearrange his schedule and he can only hope for Rafa to understand that. 

“I... I'm really happy you are here, but... with Laver Cup... I don't think there will be a lot of time for us.”

“Is no problem. I can come and cheer for you. Like last year.”

Rafa is indeed very understanding of Roger's plight and even though his suggestion is accompanied by a grin – which most definitely means it is a joke – Roger appreciates it. It's not really a good idea though. It will raise to many questions, questions neither one of them is willing to answer... In the end practicality wins over the romantic notion and the Swiss shakes his head no softly, smiling to take the sting out of his own words. 

“We'd probably have a hard time explaining that though...”

“No coming along to cheer then. Maybe we could spent the evening together? Maybe dinner?”

“I... erm... I already had dinner... with the team. And I... it was a really long day, an exhausting day. I actually...”

Roger doesn't need to finish the sentence and – as it turns out – doesn't need to feel bad having to deny Rafa even the simple request of a meal together either. The Spaniard already knows what Roger is about to say and he can only assume that his exhaustion and tiredness show on his face. It's not just him who feels the need for some rest though. It is to be expected – Roger assumes – after all Rafa has to have been on at least two different planes for the better part of the last day getting here...

“You want to go to bed?”

“Preferably, yes.”

“Is good. My flight was long too. I need a shower and a chance to get some sleep.”

“So do I... Do... do you want to stay here? With me?”

There is no conscious decision made on Roger's part, asking Rafa to spend the night with him in his room and his bed, instead of letting the younger man go to his own room. He simply acts on instinct and instinct tells him that now that Rafa is here, he wants to use as much of what limited time they have together as he can – even if that simply means sleeping next to one another... Because it also means waking up next to one another and right now Roger can't think of anything that would make him more happy. Apparently Rafa feels exactly the same way. 

“Yes, please.”

*#*

Friday is a day they only get to spend time at breakfast together and after that Roger is off to the tournament grounds and busy playing host for his fellow team members. It's a long first day with presentations and matches and a little bit of socializing after. He has left a second key card to his room for Rafa – who has yet to get his own room, which they have agreed is a stupid idea anyway – and the Spaniard has promised him to occupy his time and have a good time on his own until they get a chance to be together again.

They have dinner at Roger's hotel room, ordering room service. As it turns out, Rafa has been watching a lot of the match coverage and there is little Roger can tell him about the first day that the Spaniard doesn't already know. They go to bed early – Roger feeling utterly spent after a long, eventful day yet again – and Saturday morning brings the same routine. Breakfast together and then Roger is off to the arena. 

Rafa has spent a lazy morning at the hotel room after Roger has gone, not coming up with the energy to actually get fully dressed and maybe leave the hotel and do a bit of sightseeing or simply go for a walk around the block or even a swim in the hotel pool. He feels... uninspired as to what to do with himself. After all he has come here to spent time with Roger... When he hears the tell tale beeping of somebody using the key card to the hotel room on the door, he expects it to be maintenance. But he couldn't be more wrong. To his utter surprise, Roger enters the room, grinning at him like a Cheshire cat. Despite the display of joy Rafa can't help but worry. 

“Rogi? What are you doing here? Is something wrong?”

“No. Everything's fine. I’m playing hooky for the afternoon. They don’t expect me back until six…”  
   
All Rafa manages in response is a stare. He needs a moment to wrap his head around the fact that Roger has somehow, miraculously done the one thing they both knew wasn't a possibility for this weekend. It had been a mutual understanding that they would have little time for one another because of Laver Cup and Rafa has been okay with that. It has been more about the surprise than the chance to spend a lot of time together. But now Roger has made him his priority instead of the tournament and somehow he has even manged to do that with ease. Rafa is still looking at him like Roger has grown a second head all of a sudden and the Swiss can't help but laugh.  
   
“You wanted a surprise, remember? This is it. I’m here. Surprise!”  
   
“We have time? Just you and me?”  
   
“Just you and me.”  
   
Finally Rafa shows a reaction other than utter confusion and surprise and Roger is glad and happy to see it is a smile that appears on Rafa's face at the realization that they have an entire afternoon together. Happiness makes way for excitement and all of a sudden that feeling of not knowing what to do with himself vanishes and Rafa can't wait to get underway with whatever Roger has planned for them to spend the half day with. 

“What do we do?”  
   
“We could stay here of course, but why don’t we take a trip into the city? I hear Chicago is famous for it’s hot dogs. Maybe we should have one.”

It's a joke, more than a suggestion and Rafa pulls a face at the mention of hot dogs that makes Roger chuckle. Sometimes it's easy for Roger to forget Rafa's kind of a fussy eater... Maybe that's yet another thing he has to work on... remember the younger man's little quirks he's so fond of just a little more often. For now however, he decides to let the little joke of a suggestion play out. He shrugs his shoulders.

“We can do whatever you like. But you definitely should get properly dressed first.”

Rafa practically dashes off into the bathroom to follow through on the request and 15 minutes later they are ready to go. It's amazing what a baseball cap and a pair of sunglasses can achieve in a city full of people that don't know too much about tennis. It's an action born out of necessity, because with Laver Cup in full swing, Roger can't simply roam the streets of Chicago with Rafa by his side. Once again – it raises too many questions. 

They are mostly left alone as they explore the city – and at some point have that hot dog Roger has wanted to try – and do what any other normal tourist would do. They go to see the sights, find a nice cafe in the early afternoon, walk around a lot and generally have a good time. Time seems to fly – which is sort of always what happens when he and Rafa have some free time together – and sooner than expected it is time for Roger to return to his duties at the tournament grounds. 

“I have to be back at the tournament site in half an hour but I'll see you again for dinner, okay? Nineish?”

Rafa nods in acknowledgment and agreement as they are ready to part ways for the next couple of hours. When he responds, emotion thickens his voice and Roger feels a soft shiver run down his spine. There is so much more to what Rafa says than just the simple words. There is a promise to his words, to his tone of voice. A promise that even if they have rough patches some times and it isn't always easy being together like this, the Spaniard is still willing to try and fight. At least he is again now. Roger can't help but smile. Things are definitely looking up for them...

“I'll wait for you.”


	7. Sharing experiences

It hasn't been until Monday morning – after Laver Cup and with both of them ready to go back home – that Rafa tells Roger he won't be playing the Asian hard court swing because there is no way he will be fit and properly prepared until then. A mostly vindictive interpretation of Rafa keeping that particular fact to himself until the end of the weekend, would be that he simply hasn't wanted to have a fight during the little time they have together. But Roger knows better than to read any kind of bad intention into Rafa's decision to keep the facts from him until now. The Spaniard simply hasn't wanted to ruin their weekend like this and make Roger feel bad at the knowledge that they won't be seeing each other until the Masters tournament in Paris... which is in November. 

They are at O'Hare airport in the main departure hall after both of them have checked into their flights and they still have a little time left. They haven't really talked since Rafa has relayed the news to Roger but now they settle at a small and barely frequented cafe in the departure hall in the far back of the little establishment where they have a little quiet and privacy to themselves. Still there is little they have to say to one another – at least little the other one doesn't already know. 

“I'll miss you...”

“Me, too. I'm sorry...”

It's the one thing Rafa constantly has been telling him ever since he has let Roger in on the fact that the inflammation in his patella tendons makes it impossible to play any competitive tennis for a while. Roger assumes the younger man feels just as sorry for himself – and the fact that his own body still keeps him from doing what he wants – as he feels for Roger and their relationship as not going to Asia means they will lose time together yet again. Roger however sees no reason for Rafa to blame himself or apologize for something he simply has no control over. He shakes his head, his voice gentle.

“Stop apologizing. It's just six more weeks. We'll work on the rest of your list then.”

“I have no list.”

“I know.”

*#*

It seems the weather is mocking Rafa and his current mood, because it's a perfectly sunny day on the island of Mallorca while his mood is utterly darkened. He is injured, his knees still hurt and there is little he can do with his free time. He can't practice, he can't go and play golf, none of his friends or family seem currently interested in joining him on a trip with the yacht and the only thing left is to stay at the beach house in Porto Cristo, overlooking the ocean glistening in the autumn sun and feeling like he is mercilessly teased by that same sun, the warmth, the calm blue ocean and the fact that everybody around him seems to have a better time than him. 

The one constant positive thing about the last week and a half, is the fact that Roger seems very much interested in making things work between them. He texts and calls and asks how Rafa is on a regular basis. Today however, there hasn't been a single message from Roger. Not so much as a peep. Which is definitely part of why Rafa is feeling so glum today. He misses the contact with the older man. Because it's the only thing they have right now until they will see each other again in Paris and all courtesy to Rafa's stupid knees – still inflamed and throbbing... 

The doorbell rings and pulls Rafa from his gloomy thoughts. He doesn't expect anyone to come but that doesn't really mean anything. He has a huge family, quite a lot of friends and his team of course and all of them are concerned about them. One of them showing up out of the blue isn't exactly a surprise. His actual visitor is one he didn't expect but he is elated to see all the same. When he opens the door, Roger is there, trolley in one hand, backpack over the other shoulder and grinning widely at him. Rafa mirrors the gesture and tries not to let his enthusiasm show too much. Surprising each other like this seems to be sort of a theme with them at the moment.

“Another surprise?”

“I simply decided until the middle of November is way too long not to spend any time together. Don't you think? So I decided I come by for a visit and stay with you for a little while... If you'll have me...”

“Yes, of course. I'm happy to.”

Rafa lets Roger into the house and offers him a guest room, which the Swiss – quickly and vehemently – denies. He doesn't want to sleep on his own and Rafa is more than okay with that arrangement. Roger does take Rafa up on the offer of both coffee and a glass of water. They settle in the kitchen, the sun shining in through one of the large windows, illuminating the room and warming it in that unique, nice pleasant way only the autumn sun came. Rafa watches Roger intently, not having eyes for the weather though, as the older man sips at his coffee before focusing his own attention on the Spaniard, interest and curiosity shining in his eyes, adding a layer to the fondness already visible. 

“What have you been up to since you've been home?”

“Is only five days since we have last seen each other. I didn't do much.”

“What did you do?”

“Go to the academy. Take the boat out. Things like that.”

“No practice yet?”

“No. Too soon. I'll go to Barcelona again on Monday. Maybe after that.”

It's strange how easy it feels all of a sudden. They have spent months and months with stolen moments in between and somehow it feels this is the first time in a long time Roger shows any interest in what Rafa has been doing and Rafa actually feels the need to talk to the other man. They are both at fault of course, both falling into a rhythm of taking the easiest way out and neither of them trying for a change. At least not in the last half year. 

Most of the time it has been about logistics whenever they found it within both their schedules to make time for the other. How much time do they have, which obstacles are in the way and when do they have to part again – those were the things they talked about. If at all... These past months it has mostly been pleasantries exchanged, – which should have been a clue they have problems all in itself – and a lot of silence. The silence has been Rafa's fault, he knows that. But with all that doubt and melancholy he has been feeling recently, the only things he could have talked about were his feelings and how unsure he is of their relationship. And Rafa had decided against doing that... which left silence as the only other option on his part. 

Most of the time they have spent together for a couple of hours or half a day here and there have been about physical contact anyway, knowing fully well that they need to use what little time they have to the fullest. It's not all about sex, never has been. But without a conscious effort, passion has won over love time and again. Not that that's a bad thing necessarily. But it certainly hasn't helped them to have useful, sensible, interesting conversations in between. 'Fuck me' isn't exactly a good conversation opener to talk about one's feelings... 

This however is different. There is no practice or sponsorship event they need to get to, no media responsibility and no family waiting for them. It's just the two of them, with all the time in the world and it is that time, that commitment towards the other that makes it so much easier to have a normal, sensible conversation without awkward silences in between and without having to grasp for some topic to fill the silence. This is blissfully, beautifully normal... Roger's voice pulls Rafa from his first good thought today. The older man sounds just a little concerned for him. 

“You look thoughtful...”

“Is just... I was thinking about what you said. My list, no?”

“Why? What else is there on it?”

“This. Talking. Telling each other things about what we do, what our families do. Just letting the other know what is happening in our lives.”

Roger thinks about that for a while, tries to remember the last time Rafa has told him what he has been up to in his daily life, has told him a story about one of the members on his team, has told him about his family. Roger can't remember and likewise he can't remember the last time he has told Rafa about something happening in his own private life. It's a strange realization, because it leaves him with the rather disconcerting question what it is they have been talking about instead. The answer is rather easy – nothing... or at least nothing of importance. Now however is the chance to remedy that and Roger decides to do just that. 

“Myla and Charlene have to decide on a secondary school... and the boys want a puppy.”

“A puppy? You have enough going on without a pet, no? Mirka is not very happy with the idea, for sure?”

“As she is the one to take care of the kids and the household most of the time... Yeah, she's elated at the prospect. Jokes aside, we certainly don't have the time for a pet. Unfortunately the boys see it differently. That's what kids are all about – all joy, no responsibility.”

“They should be enjoying themselves. There's enough trouble waiting for them when they get older. Being an adult is difficult, no? Look at us...”

The soft melancholy to Rafa's voice tugs at Roger's heart and of course he knows what the younger man is talking about. It's about balancing life and work, about making a relationship work, about adhering to one's responsibilities, about scheduling time and still being happy throughout all that. Adult life is most definitely difficult but the good thing about being an adult is that one gets to make their own decisions. The happiness of that all depends on the way those decisions are made. In the past Rafa and Roger both have managed to make bad decisions in that regard. But they are responsible for themselves, which means it's up to them to make good decisions now. When it comes to the kids though – decisions are to be made for them. 

“Only as difficult as you make it. But we definitely have made it difficult for us, that much is true... But the boys... Well, no matter the joy to it, they're still too young for a puppy. At least we think so.”

“Maybe when they're a little older?”

“Yeah, maybe. We'll see.”

Roger decides to change the topic as there is something he really would like to know about. But it's a sensitive topic and as he keeps Mirka out of the picture when it comes to his relationship with Rafa and vice versa, he isn't sure he should ask Rafa about his own girlfriend. But as Meri has been the one to let him in on the fact there is a problem in the first place, Roger believes it's only fair for him to ask and find out how Rafa and Meri are doing these days...

“I... It's okay if you don't want to tell me, but... How are you and Meri? Are you okay?”

“Yes, we are. I... think we are. We haven't spent much time together in the last couple of weeks. She is okay with it, she told me. She knows, you and I, we are... working on our relationship. She gives me space... But I think she told my sister about our last evening in New York...”

“About the proposal, you mean? Why do you think that? Is Maribel angry with you?”

Rafa makes a face at the question, which pretty much answers Roger's question without Rafa having to say much of anything. Roger has seen the siblings bicker, he has seen them argue but he can't remember a single time he has seen the two truly angry with one another. He's sure it happens – maybe even more times than he can imagine – but Roger has never witnessed it before. Judging from the expression on Rafa's face, he isn't all too happy with the situation either. 

“She was a little aggressive with me after we came back from New York but she never told me why. I only assume. But she keeps talking about weddings.”

“She wouldn't be planning her own, you don't think?”

“No. I don't think she feels ready. But maybe Meri got her thinking.”

“Have you asked her about it? Meri, I mean?”

“No. I had no chance. As I say, I haven't seen her in a while.”

“Maybe you should. Not just ask her, but spent time with her?”

Roger isn't exactly sure where the suggestion comes from. After all this is about him and Rafa and they have to few moments together already. Pushing him to spent time with his girlfriend instead seems the wrong move. But then again Meri is a part of what makes the Spaniard happy and Roger owes her due to the simple fact that she has alerted him to a problem he hasn't even been aware of in the first place. He likes the younger woman and he does not like the fact that Rafa seems to have a hard time splitting his time between the two of them. But from everything the younger man has told him, Meri is okay with the little break the two are taking. And in the end that is okay – because this weekend is all about him and the Spaniard. It seems Rafa has come to the same conclusion. The younger man smiles at him and Roger mirrors the gesture at the Spaniard's response to his suggestion.

“But not today.”

“No. Not today.”


	8. Hold me so I can sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, here's another chapter for you and I feel it's full of toothrotting fluff.  
> Hope you feel the same and you like it.
> 
> <>°O°<>

Even though the weather is perfect, they decide to spend the day at the house. There are only two to three hours before it gets dark anyway and by that time Roger already feels sleepiness creeping in. He is tired early on this first evening here on the island, and Rafa – very much aware of that fact - agrees to an early dinner when Roger asks him. They order pizza because neither one of them feels like cooking.

Afterwards they decide to go for a walk. They both feel full, Roger is even more tired than before, but he knows a bit of exercise and fresh air will actually help him to fall asleep. It's dark outside and there are barely any people around but they refrain from hand holding or any other display of affection in public. It's simply too much of a risk being caught in public like this. Them being together like this would probably raise enough questions already would they be seen. But an explanation could be found and it's not what matters right now, what matter is that they are together. 

They walk from the beach house down to the marina in Porto Cristo at a slow pace, Roger because he has eaten too much pizza, Rafa because he still is a little careful on his injured knees. Now with the sun gone and the breeze having picked up just a little it actually feels like autumn and Roger is glad Rafa has convinced him to put on a jacket. At their leisurely pace, it takes them fifteen minutes before they reach the marina. As they walk past Rafa's yacht anchoring in the marina, Roger comes up with a sudden idea. 

“How about staying? We could stay here, right? Sleep on the yacht?”

“Yes, if you like.”

Rafa sounds a little reluctant but he doesn't say no. As it is part of their agreement, in order to work on their relationship, to be honest with one another, Roger assumes that maybe Rafa isn't as keen on the idea as him, but he doesn't feel strongly enough about it to reject the proposal. Roger thinks about it for another moment and then nods. He likes the idea of staying, of the coziness of the yacht and the fact that it's a spontaneous decision and it'll be just them, sharing one of the small bedrooms on the boat. It definitely has a romantic notion to it. 

“I think so. It's quiet around here.”

“It's quiet at the house too.”

“Yeah, but you don't get that nice rocking sensation you have on the water, lulling you to sleep.”

Rafa actually smiles at that, obviously agreeing with the mention of the ocean all around them, relaxing them and helping them to fall asleep. Not that Roger would need much help with that. He's tired enough already. Rafa comes up with one last argument but to Roger it's more of a reason to stay here than to leave and go back to the house. After all romantic surprises, spontaneity and sharing intimate moments with one another are part of the things they want to work on...

“There is only one bedroom prepared...”

“Is that a problem?”

“Not for me.”

There's a soft smile on Rafa's face and an almost cheeky tone to his voice. Roger simply grins in response and with that the decision is made. Rafa leaves Roger at the yacht to go back to the house and get a couple of things for them, in order for them to spend the night comfortably. When he returns, Roger has already taken a shower and Rafa provides him with the clothes from Roger's luggage that the younger man has brought back for him from the house. It takes another half hour for both of them to get fully ready for bed and then they are ready to go to sleep.

It's a little awkward at first, because the bed they share is slightly smaller than the one up at the house and even though Roger had wanted the rocking sensation of the water splashing against the yacht, the sound of the water splashing and gurgling is kind of distracting. He has been dead tired before, but even in that exhaustion it's hard for him to fall asleep. He's sure Rafa has no such problems because he can hear the younger man's even breathing but as it turns out, he is wrong. 

About 20 minutes after they have settled and turned the lights off, Roger can hear and feel Rafa shift next to him and turn from his back onto his side. Rafa is facing towards him now, but Roger has his back on the Spaniard. He debates turning around so they will be face to face, to give them a chance to maybe talk some more or intertwine their hands now that they have the privacy to do so. But he never gets to act on that particular though. 

He feels a breeze of cold air as Rafa lifts the sheets covering Roger and then Rafa's hand slips under the hem of Roger's shirt. The Swiss hides back a soft hiss. Seconds later he can feel the gentle touch of Rafa's fingertips, running up his spine very, very slowly and back down again in the same, steady but slow motion. It's relaxing and exciting both at the same time. Roger's skin is sensitive there and the touch sends a pleasant shiver down his spine. Roger gives a soft hiss as he tenses under the gentle touch. 

Rafa seems to misinterpret the reaction Roger's body gives to the physical contact though, which only goes to show how little they have don this over the course of the last couple of months. Even back in Chicago they simply had been too tired for it. There had been a bit of hand holding but that had been the extent of it. Right now Rafa pulls his hand back and Roger gives a moan of displeasure that seems to confuse the younger man. Rafa's hand stops, still under the hem of the shirt but not on his skin any more and he sounds very much unsure when he reacts. Roger hurries to reassure him, wanting the feeling back rather desperately. 

“I thought you no like.”

“I like it very much. Don't stop.”

Rafa doesn't need to be told twice and this time Roger is sure the younger man appreciates the soft moan escaping from the Swiss lips when Rafa's fingertips touch his skin again. The slow, soft, measured movements up and down Roger's back continue and more than the mild rocking of the yacht, the way Rafa caresses him, threatens to lull roger to sleep. Roger comments on that and there's a drowsy quality to his voice as he is very well aware of the fact, that if Rafa continues on like this, he will fall asleep, lulled into oblivion by the soft and gentle caressing of his skin. 

“Seems we haven't done this in too long.”

“I know. It was... on my list.”

Roger reaches behind him and grabs for Rafa's hand to stop the movement and pull the younger man's arm out of the way before he turns first on his back and then on his other side in order to have a chance to fully look at the younger man, which of course is barely achievable in the dark of the bedroom. But he feels like he can see Rafa, can imagine the frown of mild confusion on his face. The realization that they haven't cuddled in their relationship in way too long is a painful one. It tugs at his heart and makes him feel more than just a little sorrowful. Especially because it has taken Rafa telling him that exactly this is one of the things on his – non existent – list that he has wanted to work on and change for the better. 

“I'm so sorry... I didn't even realize...”

“Is okay, Rogi. We do it now, no? We work on it. We make it better.”

Rafa doesn't sound angry or sad and even though it would help to see his face along with the words, Roger trusts that the younger man is telling the truth. Rafa is enjoying what they have now instead of dwelling on the past... Which is exactly what he should do. And as much as Roger would enjoy more of Rafa's gentle treatment, he decides is time to repay the favor. He smiles but reigns in the reaction as he realizes Rafa can't see him doing it. Instead he tries to put the emotion – passion and fondness – into his tone of voice. It seems Rafa picks up on it and understands immediately. 

“How about you turn around?”

“My turn?”

“Yes. Your turn. Just relax.”

It takes less than a second for Rafa to relax and turn around on his other side. Just as the younger man before, Roger let's a hand slip underneath the shirt Rafa is wearing and starts moving it up and down on the sensitive skin gently. Rafa makes a noise that sounds almost like a purr and Roger has to hide back a chuckle. Obviously he is just as talented with the calloused palm of his hand as Rafa is with his fingertips. 

They stay like this for a while and Rafa enjoys the soft gentleness of Roger's touch. Roger has no idea how long they have been doing it, but he feels the sudden need for more contact. He rests his hand on Rafa's back and shifts his position, moving a little closer. He can feel the warmth radiating off Rafa's body now, as Roger's front is almost in contact with Rafa's back now. His nose is only inches from the other man's neck and he takes a deep breath, taking in Rafa's unique scent. As he exhales, the younger man gives a giggling sound of mild displeasure. 

“Stop, Rogi. Your breath. You tickle.”

Roger can't help but tease at the mention of the fact that Rafa is a little ticklish. He deliberately blows out an intake of air softly and can feel goosebumps form on the younger man's skin. Quite obviously Rafa is just as sensitive in certain spots of his own body as Roger is. This time the younger man doesn't complain but makes that sound of pleasure again and Roger moves in yet a little but closer. 

They are next to one another, skin on skin, body against body now and Roger drapes an arm over Rafa, while he lies on the other. It's a little cramped, a little uncomfortable but that is nothing compared to how romantic and relaxed and simply right the touch and closeness feels. They stay silent, stay exactly like this without moving an inch. After a while Roger can feel the other man's chest moving in a slow and steady rhythm beneath his hand, as his arm is still wrapped around Rafa's torso. The younger man has fallen asleep in his arms...


	9. Being domestic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody and thanks for your reviews :)  
> This one's a little shorter but I hope you like it anyway.
> 
> Maybe I'll post another update later on tonight, but there'll definitel be an update tomorrow.  
> Enjoy.
> 
> <>°O°<>

When Roger wakes the next morning, Rafa isn't there. The bed is empty next to him and there is no note or anything else that indicates where Rafa might have gone. As the yacht is a sealed unit, Roger can only assume Rafa hasn't gone too far. He debates staying in bed for a little while longer, waiting for Rafa to return but he decides against it. He gets up instead but doesn't change into a different set of clothes as of yet. 

When he comes up on deck, Roger is more than just a little surprised when instead of the marina, there is open water around him. It can't be an accident, which can only mean Rafa has taken the yacht out of the marina. They haven't spoken about this before but it's not like Roger dislikes the surprise. A morning out on sea definitely sounds like a nice idea... Roger finds the younger man at the helm of the ship, grinning at him when Roger enters. 

“Morning, Rogi. You like the surprise?”

“You took us out to sea? Can you do that just like this?”

Rafa shrugs and has the decency to look just a tiny bit guilty. Somewhere in the back of Roger's mind is an almost buried memory of Rafa telling him that he needs a captain to take his own yacht out to sea because he doesn't have the proper licenses and permits himself. It seems the younger man has decided to bend the rules a little bit for the sake of his visitor. Roger certainly doesn't mean to cause Rafa any trouble but he can't help but tease the Spaniard just a little but. 

“Technically I'm not allowed. Not on my own, not yet. But if you no tell, I'm safe.”

“Well in that case it'll be our little secret. But only if you have coffee and breakfast on this boat of yours.”

“I went shopping a little, before we left.”

Obviously Rafa has planned this whole thing, though Roger doubts he has wanted a chance for breakfast with him out at sea the entire time since Roger showed up out of the blue yesterday. After all staying at the yacht was the Swiss' idea, not Rafa's. But now the younger man has made the best of the situation. Knowing that it is still pretty early in the day, Roger is surprised at what Rafa has managed to get done while Roger has still been asleep. After all it seems Rafa has gotten up, gone grocery shopping and has taken them out of the marina, all of that while Roger was still sleeping and blissfully unaware of what was going on around him. 

“How long exactly have you been up?!”

“Hour and a half.”

“It's only nine...”

Rafa shrugs in response and a smile spreads on his face. What he has to say is a compliment to Roger more than anything else. After all it's his skills and the softness of his touch that are directly responsible for the good night's sleep Rafa has had. 

“I slept very well.”

While Roger goes to get dressed, Rafa finds a spot just off the coast where they anchor and watch the sun coming up further, glittering on the softly moving water of the ocean as they have their breakfast. They take their time, enjoy their coffee and soak up the sun, before they return to the marina in Porto Cristo. It's eleven am before they are back and so far it has been a really nice, relaxing day for the two of them. It feels almost like a holiday... 

Back at the house, Rafa suggests a board game and Roger probably should have known better than to agree to that. Of course he knows Rafa tends to always have the game of Parchis with him at tournaments because it's a great way to kill time while waiting for matches to start. Rafa plays it a lot and even though it's mostly a game of luck and chance, Roger still loses – three times in a row. Rafa grins like a Cheshire cat every time he wins and Roger remembers some comment from Rafa earlier this year, saying it's one of the few things Carlos tends to beat him at... No wonder Rafa enjoys the win. After the third attempt and the third loss, Roger actually feels inclined to explain his lack of a winning streak. 

“You have way more practice with this than I do. Of course you win.”

“Are you trying to find excuses? That's not nice, Rogi. You lose and is your fault.”

“Are you scolding or teasing?”

“Both. You want to try again?”

“No, thank you. But I'd be happy with lunch.”

Rafa makes a face for the briefest of seconds – obviously not liking the fact that Roger doesn't want to play with him any more – but finally he smiles and nods. It's way past midday already and Roger isn't the only one who is hungry after their eventful morning out at sea with the yacht. They relocate to the kitchen and decide on pasta with seafood and a salad to go along with it. Rafa however doesn't seem to trust Roger with any actual cooking in his own kitchen...

“I make pasta, you make salad.”

“Making a salad is not cooking.”

“I trust you with cooking when you make a good salad.”

“Spoilsport.”

Rafa grins at the mild insult Roger throws his way. It's all meant in a good natured way and quite frankly the Swiss is glad Rafa busies himself with the majority of the cooking for their midday meal. Rafa is not to be deterred from his decision and they work next to one another while Roger washes and prepares the salad and Rafa is cooking the rest of their meal for them. As the weather is just as perfect as the day before – with a lot of sun and only a mild breeze – they settle out on the patio to eat, only increasing that nice, relaxing feeling of being on holidays. 

They stay outside by the pool after lunch, go for a swim as the sun starts dipping closer to the horizon, watch the sun go down together and then go for a shower before they take the car to drive the short distance to Manacor and go for dinner at a restaurant there. After dinner and on their way back, they decide to stop by the marina and go for a short walk before they return to the house and have to come up with an idea as to what to do with the rest of their evening. 

Roger has a couple of movies with him in his luggage but most of them are old and Rafa keeps complaining. Too boring, too much action, too old, too much of a girl's movie. They finally decide on 'Raiders of the Lost Arc', which is an old movie as well but it has a little of everything – action, suspense, romance and comedy – and that is a mixture that makes it both easy and enjoyable to watch. Still Rafa has yet another thing to complain about, albeit in a cheeky and good-natured tone. 

“I know the movie already.”

“So what? It's not about the movie anyway. It's about eating popcorn or chips while trashing the movie and making fun of it.”

“You have a strange idea of how to watch a movie.”

“But it's more fun.”

It's exactly what they do and hadn't they known the movie already before and somebody would have asked them what it was about afterwards, neither one of them would have been able to tell. The movie is more something that his happening on the side, while they are busy eating sweets and chips, goofing around and talking through at least half of the movie. They take frequent breaks if they find something interesting to talk about or to get more junk food from the kitchen and by the time the credits roll, it is almost midnight. After a long, eventful and really nice day, it is time for a recap, Roger feels. 

“I had a really great day. How about you?”

“Yes. Me too. It was perfect.”


	10. Saying I love you

This time they decide to stay at the house instead of sleeping at the yacht for a second night but when Roger announces he is ready to go to bed, it's not exactly what he has in mind. So far every last thing on Rafa's imaginary list they have been working on in order to better their relationship, has been about emotion, about making the one feel better about the other... and about themselves in the process. To Roger that is the most important part. But it doesn't mean physicality should play no part in their attempt to work on their relationship and be happier with one another again. 

It is something that has been bothering Roger ever since Rafa had told him about that fateful day in Wimbledon after his fourth round loss and the rather... one sided sexual encounter that had happened because of it. He has wanted to redeem himself ever since Rafa had truthfully told him that he hadn't enjoyed the experience and to Roger it feels like this whole, blissfully domestic day they have spent, has lead up to the chance for him to make things better between them in regard to their physical relationship just as well as the emotional one.

The idea – the plan Roger has come up with – has been in the making even before he has come to Mallorca and tonight seems as good a time and chance as any to put said plan into motion. Roger has already settled, while Rafa still stands at the foot of the bed, dressed in pajama bottoms and a plain white shirt after returning from the bathroom. He is ready to go to bed but Roger stops him before he gets the chance, looking at the younger man intently, his voice deep and husky when he voices his demand. 

“Take off your shirt.”

“You want to have sex now?”

Rafa's reaction is instantaneous and there is a mild nervousness to his tone of voice Roger can't exactly blame him for. Earlier today Rafa had offered and Roger had declined the chance at being together like this. It's not what he has in mind though anyway and he shakes his head no again this time too, keeping his voice soft and gentle and loving because that is exactly how he feels – both about Rafa and about what he plans to do. 

“No. No sex. Not yet. I want to look. Just look... and touch. I want to go exploring.”

“But you look already. You watch me shower after the swim.”

Roger chuckles softly at the mention of that particular event of their day together. It had been Rafa's idea in the first place, who had refused to leave the bathroom while Roger had taken the first shower and of course Roger had repaid the favor when it had been Rafa's turn to get cleaned up and ready for their evening out for dinner. But looking – and appreciating what they were seeing – was all either of them had done. 

“But there was no touching involved.”

“I offered.”

“And I didn't want to get wet again.”

“Your loss.”

Rafa grins and it seems he has decided to stay stubborn. He's still standing at the foot of the bed, arms now crossed in front of his chest and makes not even the slightest movement indicating he will abide by Roger's wishes and take off the offending piece of clothing covering his chest and back.   
Instead of arguing and trying to convince the Spaniard, Roger pouts and that does the trick. There's barely anything Rafa says no to if Roger only finds the right angle to ask for it. It's almost a little scary how easily pouting always works... 

“Fine. You win.”

Rafa sounds almost a little annoyed but Roger knows that is not the case. The younger man is most definitely just as surprised at how easily he lets himself be manipulated. Though Roger knows all too well that all the putting in the world will never make Rafa do something he doesn't want to. It takes another moment but finally Rafa gives up his almost defensive posture, grabs the hem of his shirt and pulls it over his head. He lets the piece of clothing drop to the ground carelessly and settles down on the bed, rearranging the pillows so he ends up in a half lying, half seated position, giving him the chance to look at the Swiss while Roger goes 'exploring' as he has put it. There is one last demand Rafa has and Roger smiles and nods at that. 

“No tickling.”

“I won't. You trust me, don't you?”

“Most of the time.”

“Idiot...”

They both laugh softly at their own bickering but it's a short, soft bit of laughter and then they both fall silent again. Roger is kneeling in between Rafa's slightly parted legs and the younger man is looking at him with such intensity, Roger doesn't dare move for a few seconds. Rafa does trust him – even if he jokes about – that much is clearly evident by the look in his eyes. It's more than trust though, it's affection and love and the deep certainty that Roger will never hurt him... 

Slowly, carefully, Roger lets his hands come to a rest on Rafa's shoulders. Rafa watches him as Roger lets his fingertips run down the length of Rafa's arms, softly caressing the skin, feeling the muscles underneath and eliciting a very soft, almost guttural sound from the younger man. It's almost scary how sensitive Rafa reacts to his touch and they have only just started... Then again they haven't done something like this – taking time and being gentle and romantic with one another – in quite a while. 

Roger continues, works his way from Rafa's arms to his chest and even though the younger man tries very hard to keep his gaze focused, it doesn't take too long before his eyelids start drooping. Roger knows from personal experience that the touch is so much more intensive when you keep your eyes closed and fully concentrate on the sensation, but so far Rafa hasn't given in to it. It's not until Roger replaces his hands with his tongue that Rafa gives a moan of pleasure and finally lets his eyes fall closed. 

Roger grabs a hold of Rafa's wrists, keeps the hold on them gently but decisively and leans in closer to plant the first soft kiss on the younger man's chest. He works his way up to Rafa's neck first before kissing his way down. By the time he has reached the other man's navel there is a noticeable bulge in his pajama pants, one Roger can't wait to free and touch and kiss... and use. The younger man's eyes are tightly closed by now and his breathing sounds a little labored and has definitely quickened in comparison to the deep even breaths he has been taking before. 

Roger lets his hand slip beneath the hem of Rafa's pants, gently caressing the hip bones on both sides and Rafa's body moves upward, leaning into the touch. The Spaniard is practically trembling with arousal by now, but Roger isn't ready to go that one last step. Not yet. There is one thing he has to do first. He hesitates, stills and waits for Rafa to register the fact that Roger has stopped the caressing and kissing. It takes quite a long moment but finally Rafa opens his eyes lazily and finds Roger with an intensely focused gaze on him. 

Before they go on, before the frees the Spaniard from this last piece of offending clothing and let's his erection spring free. Before they actually have sex – the slow, intense, loving and gentle kind – there is one last thing Roger needs to do, one last thing he needs to remedy because he hasn't told Rafa in way too long... When he stops and stills his movements it takes a moment before Rafa realizes and opens his eyes lazily. Roger has moved back up, is less than a foot away from Rafa's face and the younger man smiles at him, ready to ask why Roger has stopped. Roger shushes him with a soft sound, wanting to be first, wanting a chance to say what he needs to say before they continue. At his words, Rafa's smile widens ever so softly and the younger man's voice is trembling with just as much emotion as Roger's when he responds in kind. 

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”


	11. Epilogue

*August 2019 - Mallorca*

Ever since their weekend together at the end of September – a full weekend with a lot of time – their relationship and the changes made to it, have been put to the test outside the bubble of a holiday like couple of days spend together without any other obligations or distractions getting in the way. But it seems they have both learned from their previous mistakes and unlike Rafa has stated on that evening having dinner in New York, they are very well capable of changing for the better. 

They text and call one another frequently in the four weeks Roger is gone and in Asia for that part of the tour, while Rafa is still back home on Mallorca, recuperating. They make time to tell each other what is going on in their lives, to simply joke and tease and have fun and to hear the other person's voice. By the end of October – when Roger plays Basel and Rafa is in the middle of getting at least some practice under his belt before he returns to the circuit - they meet on the Friday and Saturday prior to the tournament in the Swiss city. 

Roger is busy with practice and other responsibilities but they spend the evenings together, eating dinner, watching movies and going to bed together, holding hands, cuddling and falling asleep with the relaxation of it all. They make the time, they make the effort and they are happy doing it because it is exactly what they need to be happy. After that there is Paris and even though the tournament takes top priority of course, it still means a full week of both of them in the same place at the same time. 

It's the first time they are at a tournament together since the US Open, the first real test for their relationship now that they are both back to their normal routines, traveling with their teams, adhering to their obligations and playing professional tennis. It is also the first time they are together like this since they have tried to fight for their relationship and change what is wrong. 

Mostly they spent evenings together and unlike before it is easy and relaxed and they are happy. They have dinners at remote, quiet little restaurants or room service in their respective hotel rooms, they spend the night at the other's room, they go for late evening walks in the crisp Parisian late autumn air and neither one of them is apprehensive or feeling awkward any more. They have achieved the change they have been fighting for and they keep doing it.

It is the summer of the last year and it has taken until now for Roger to achieve the realization of the one last wish that Rafa hasn't spoken about, Roger knows is on his list. He decides to fulfill it, even if the Spaniard never asked him to. Surprisingly enough it's not all that difficult. But it has taken a while before they have found the chance and the right time to make it happen. That one last, unspoken wish is a chance for both men to be more of a part of the other's life. Which is why Roger has asked his wife to take a trip to Mallorca with the kids as a summer holiday... and has asked her to simply stay at Rafa's house for that time. And his wife has agreed – gladly and happily. 

It is their fifth day on the island, it is almost two in the afternoon and Mirka is outside by the pool with the kids – the girls swimming, the boys tossing back and forth an inflatable ball. Roger is inside the house, standing in the doorway of the glass doors leading out onto the patio, with a view of the open kitchen. Rafa and Meri are both in there, preparing a late lunch and it's the first time Roger actually sees them together like this in a domestic capacity. Of course he hasn't before – because they have never done something like this before, all of them together – including wives and girlfriends and kids.

The two haven't detected Roger standing there, observing them as of yet and are completely oblivious to his presence. It makes it a very candid, almost intimate moment. They are working in tandem, neither one of them saying much to the other and from afar, one might get the impression they aren't exactly a happy couple as they don't even talk to one another while they work side by side. But it's an impression that is treacherous... and completely wrong.

There is a practiced ease to the way they move beside and around one another, to the way either one of them knows exactly what to do and to the way words simply aren't necessary to get the job done. They know each other so well, so intimately, they manage without. They prepare lunch, handing one another what the other needs, working alongside the other and the soft touches and small smiles shared, whenever they pass one another don't go unnoticed either. It's a nice thing to watch – a sight that warms Roger's heart. 

It also gets him thinking. Admittedly Roger has never really thought about the discrepancy and imbalance of what he has with Mirka and what Rafa has with Meri. They both have partners they love but unlike Roger, Rafa has never truly committed to his relationship with Meri. There is no marriage, no children... There could have been but Meri has said no to that and somehow Roger can't shake the feeling that it's partly his fault. 

Because Meri has said no in a situation where Rafa has been unhappy with his second relationship, the one he shares with Roger. And now that he is happy again, Rafa hasn't asked the younger woman again. Because Rafa doesn't want to disappoint Roger, doesn't want to take away from their relationship and be forced to split even more of his time. It's a silly thought and an unfair one at that. They have equal rights to be happy and if Roger can have a wife and a family, the same should go for the Spaniard. 

A decision is reached right there and then. Maybe he is going too far with this, maybe it's none of his business and maybe he shouldn't intervene. But he decides to do it anyway. Because a little push can have a great influence. And he owes it to Meri most of all. After all her little push is what saved Rafa's and Roger's relationship in the first place. Now the Swiss decides to return the favor. It doesn't take long for the chance to arise. 

The two are down with the preparations for lunch and Roger watches as Meri plants a soft kiss on Rafa's cheek in passing and the turns to leave – presumably for the bathroom to wash her hands. It's the perfect opportunity to talk to Rafa one on one and Roger uses it. He walks up to the kitchen counter, smiling at the Spaniard and doesn't even make an effort to explain himself first. His words are without context and Rafa frowns at them of course. 

“You should, you know?”

“Do what?”

Roger smiles at the question. Of course Rafa doesn't know what he is talking about – how could he. Roger hurries to explain himself, wanting this conversation to end before Meri returns from the bathroom. Maybe he shouldn't be that apprehensive because the younger woman has interfered in his and Rafa's relationship not too long ago... But that doesn't exactly mean Roger has the same right with her and Rafa's relationship. He does it anyway of course but Meri doesn't need to know that... Just like back then in New York where all she had wanted was for her boyfriend to be happy, Roger wants the same thing for Rafa now, telling him what he means. 

“Ask Meri to marry you.... Again. She deserves it, she deserves a show of love and appreciation. She deserves to be happy. And so do you.”

“I am. We are – all three of us.”

“But you'll think about it?”

There is a hopefulness to Roger's question that surprises Rafa... and actually manages to make him think about the whole marriage proposal again. Roger is right of course – Meri deserves a show of love and appreciation and this time it would definitely be about her and only her and not about the fact that Rafa is trying to find a way out because he is unhappy in his relationship with Roger. Then there is the added bonus that it's a little like Roger has just given his blessing. Even though it's certainly not something either Rafa nor Meri need in order to make the decision to get married, Rafa can't deny, the fact that Roger being okay with a marriage proposal towards Meri puts his mind at ease. He smiles at the older man and finally nods – softly, gently.

“I'll think about it.”

 

-FIN-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As the last two chapters are rather short, I thought I'd post them together.  
> Hope you liked this little story.  
> I know it's not too much of a storyline but it was supposed to stay a oneshot :D
> 
> Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed.  
> Feedback is always appreciated.  
> See you around next time :)


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